Welcome to our world of insantity.

Here you can read about the trials and tribulations of being a full time stay at home mom, wife and caregiver to my best friend in the world, my Grandmother. Gran has alzheimers, dementia, and parkinsons. Be sure to stop by often..you never know what kind of stories you will read here! Also check out my Stitching blog to see how I keep my insanity!


Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Christmas Eve

We always spent Christmas eve at Grans house eating dinner and opening gifts. Well, today I went to the grave yard and straightned up all the decorations and her trees. Her first born son is there as well as many other family members so I took care of his stone as well. It was odd..there telling Gran and Paw "Merry Christmas" and as the tears fell down my face, I looked up..the sky was PINK. Pink is Grans favorite color. I think she was telling me Merry Christmas back. I know I shouldnt be sad...I should be happy, glad she is not suffering, blah blah blah blah..( Ive heard it 100 times) but I cant help it..Im only human and dang it , it hurts ya know? I still miss her and no I wouldnt wish her back here for her to hurt but I would wish her back here so I could hold her hand one more time..hug her once more...kiss her once more..tell her I love her once more..and just cherish her for a few minutes. I knew it would be hard. Jan 2 will too. That was her birth day. Im off to make biscuits for Christmas breakfast tomorrow at MIL's house. Merry Christmas.

Friday, December 7, 2007

Well I did it....

I wasn't going to really..but Autumn begged sooooo I gave in and we .....

put up the Christmas tree. It was very hard since most of the ornaments are Gran's seeing how most of mine were lost in our move to Gran's house. The garland is pink...there are several pink bulbs. Her favorite color is pink. Autumn wanted to put an angel on top instead of the regular Santa that Gran has ..Gran collects Santa...so we found one in red. She's very pretty. I will try to post a picture tomorrow..I still have a few more ornaments to add.
Hugs,Jen/tn
Yes I know I speak of Gran in present tense...it's hard to speak of her in past tense. Today is 4 weeks...4 very long weeks for me since she went to Heaven.

Sunday, December 2, 2007

Life is moving on here for me. Its been 3 weeks now and sometimes it already seems as though it has been much longer. Then , when I go to the grave yard and I still see the dead flowers that have not been cleaned off Gran's grave..I am reminded that it's only been a few weeks. I miss her like crazy and still catch myself doing things out of habit and crying where ever I am because something reminds me of her. I dont know if you believe in spirits or not but I sure do..both her and my Paw have visited me. He came right after she passed as a breath of "Old Spice" aftershave. That's what he wore all the time. It was soooooo overpowering but gone as quickly as it came. I think he was confirming that he had her. She came the other morning when I had laid back down after taking the kids to school. I made sure all my furbabies were in the living room and crawled into bed under one of the blankets that was on her bed. My head was hurting very baddly so I took some medicine ..as I was drifting off to sleep, I felt a series of strong pats on my right side. I rolled over to see if one of my doggies had gotten into my room but they had not. I thought I mustve imagined it BUT it happened again with me right there...wide awake...to me it was Gran telling me she was there and that it's ok. Thats what I did to her in the last days...on her right side...every time I left the room, I would come back and pat her bed or her and tell her that it was ok...that I was there now. She is gone in body but I feel like she is still here holding my hand and helping me go on with my life. I am trying to do just as she would want me to do but its just so hard sometimes. I find myself not knowing what to do...just staring at the walls but that is all fixing to change. I got a job! Im going back to work next week. I will be working in a call center which is totally opposite of anything I have ever done before. I am very excited. I will be able to dress up and feel good about myself instead of having to wear an uniform and just not caring. I think this is something Gran would want me to do. I still would like to work with Geratics but I just can't yet...maybe in time.

Tuesday, November 27, 2007

Seems like forever

It seems like forever now since Gran went to be with Paw and Jesus in Heaven. Life has really spun out of control here for me. I have been staying out of the house as much as possible. However, the next 2 days, I have to stay here. I have a ton of laundry to do and some other cleaning to catch up on. The floors need to be cleaned once more before I send my husband's aunt's carpet cleaner back home. I checked on a job today. I should know something tomorrow. If not, then I will go to the next place on my list. I really need a job ...Christmas is right around the corner and there are now bills that fall into our plates..Shawn's check just doesn't stretch that far. I also have to get Autumn into a different orthodonist..she is needing her wire fixed and some more wax. Im sure she needs to be tightened and have her teeth cleaned as well. I keep finding little things here and there that are reminders that Gran is gone. I found her strawberry milkshake in the freezer, her babyfood on the counter..some left over slaw in the back of the fridge and some bed linens in the laundry. That was the hardest thing of all to see...they had her smell..I just want to put them in a plastic back and preserve that. I do have her pillows in the closet..they have been there since she died. Im hunting a bag to put them and her blanket in.
I have started stitching again and hopefully in the next few days, I will be able to catch my stitching blog up. This one will probably not be updated as often then,,its just so hard to read it still...in time...I want to make a caregivers guide..something I can pass on to others. That will be a good way for me to help others who are experiencing what I did and still do. I have to sleep now..its almost 2 am here. I had gotten out of the habit of being up so late but Im falling back into it..I have days when all I want to do it sleep and then there are those that I cant sleep for the life of me.....It will still take time..maybe once I start working I can get into a routine.

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

What Are You Thankful For?

There was apost on the 123 message board and this was the subject..here is my reply.

I am thankful for the promise that God gave me when He said He would not give us more than we could bare. I am also thankful for His loving forgiveness and allowing His Son to be born and die for my sins.
I am also thankful for my family, a great support group when I am in need ( you friends!) and the fact that I can rest my mind knowing my Gran and Paw spent their anniversary in Heaven yesterday. I am also thankful for the fact that my husband worked 3 years by himself to support us so I could stay home and take care of Gran. I have many thankful memories that no one else will share and I cherish those. I could not have those , had he not been so selfless and understanding.
Happy Thanksgiving!

_________________________________________________________
I think I have figured out why yesterday/last night was so hard on me. It was Gran and Paw's anniversary. It was thier first in Heaven together. I bet they had a glorious celebration. I had the most horrific dream this morning. I will not discuss it. It did not involve Gran but my sister that was killed in 2000. Very odd dream. I think I will take the kids to get some pizza in a bit since it is a 1/2 day at school. Im waiting on Devin to come home now.
I have been making snow people! They are so much fun and so cute. I will have to post a picture as soon as I find that silly camera!

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Barely Flying By

I cant believe it is already the 21st. I sit here and look at the calander and curse myself because I told everyone Gran wouldnt be here for Thanksgiving. Maybe I shouldnt have said that. I thought I could handle this so much better than I am. I thought I knew what was coming..how bad I would hurt inside..that I had prepared myself for her dying and being without her. Nope...negative. I didnt have a clue ..not a clue as to how much my heart would ache ..how much I would miss her "hollering" at me at the time just to want nothing at all...God , I shouldnt have gotten to aggrevated when it was the 15th time in the last hour that she wanted me to come be by her ..just to see me....crap....I cant do this........

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Thursday Blah

I cant help but think about what was going on last Thursday. Gran was in the living room, rapid breathing, but still here...I just came back from lunch with Autumn at school.. It was Thanksgiving dinner and was good. I went by the graveyard ( its between here and the school) and made sure her flowers were all still there since we had a terrible storm last night. They were. I havent even turned the TV back on since I got back home and Ive been here about 30-45 minutes now. I think Ill make me some hot chocolate ( its cool here) and put my jammies on and call it a day. Tomorrow, I will start again ( I hope) Tomorrow will be really hard ...

Friday, November 9, 2007

The End is in sight

I sometimes think maybe I should not have written this blog. My Gran is now very active in the dying process. I always thought I would be right there til she took her dying breathe. But I cant. I can not stand to bare to embed that memory into my brain. Is that wrong of me? To have her looking into my eyes (even though I know her mind is gone) but its just the thought that maybe she is thinking..why arent you helping me? Everytime I give her another dose of medicine, I feel like Im killing her a little more even though I know its to help her. Bless her heart, she has had very labored breathing all day and all night now. Shes been like this in fact going on 48 hours. I can not rest, I can not sleep. I have even took myself out of the room and still cant sleep. I have prayed and begged God to let her go while I was sleeping but I cant go to sleep. I honestly don't feel like she is still here. Her body is still breathing but shes gone in spirit. She and Paw are looking at me and telling me I am foolish. She would not want me to do this and I have told myself that a 1000 times but that still yet makes it no easier. I guess its like when your babies are sick...you cant sleep for fear they might need you. Thats how I am now...thats the only way I know to explain it. I am so scared she might just might call for me and me not hear her.
Mom kicked me out of the chair by her bed( my stitching chair) Shes sleeping in it. Uncle Wayne is on the couch. I was on the love seat but kept looking at Gran so I rolled over..that didnt work either cause I tuned myself into her breathing. So I went to bed...that didnt last long either.
Now I am typing...I dont know what else to do. Im sick to my stomach bad. Nerves I guess.
Mom also told me to stop touching Gran and stop talking to her. WHAT? But once she explained what she meant..it made sense. She said Gran might be trying to hold on because of how bad I am hurting. I have told Gran to go be with Paw. and that I would be ok. But I know she senses my pain. I could see it in her face before. Lord this is so hard. I hope I never have to experience this again.
I will try to rest now..she would not want me to be like this.
Please pray....

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Non responsive

Gran is non responsive. She has been since yesterday morning. She wont even make a face when the light is on. The only was to describe it is...shes in a coma.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Thank You!

I wish to say a huge THANK YOU to all my online friends from 123 that have sent me surpises, words or encouragement, and just remembered us in prayer. I am truely blessed and can never repay the kindness. Thank each and every one of you. May God bless you all.

Catch up post

I havent posted in a few days now. I really havent done much of anything. I recieved a book from a friend on the 123 message board so I have been reading it. Its called 90 Minutes in Heaven. ( THANK YOU VALERIE) It is a really good book.

Ive also been sttiching...Im working on a small design that I want to make a pillow for Gran's coffin..:(

Angie, hospice nurse, came yesterday and did the vitals for Gran. She said her heart was still really strong and her lungs were clear. She also said that her bowel sounds were weak and that her body had started shutting down. I asked her if she had to guess based on what she had seen with her experience how long she would think it may be...she told me around a few weeks and that would be stretching it. Of course, she doesnt know for sure..no one does. She told me she honestly expected the call any day from me telling her Gran had gone on. She asked me if there was an important date coming up that she could be waiting on..I had not thought of that but there is. Her and Paws wedding anniversary was in November. Nov the 20th to be exact. IF it so happens that she makes it to that date, if that is truely what she is holding on for, I will rejoice. She will be remarried to Paw in Heaven. How truely wonderful will that be? I mean it will be wonderful as it is for them to be reunited but on that specail date. It will be such a blessing for me here. I think it will be so much more easier for the to deal with.



Last night, She awoke..my brother was here. He was talking to her and I could tell by the look on her face that she was getting aggitated. Bless his heart, he was talking alot and she was trying to answer him but she couldnt. I went over and gave her a doze of morphin and then told her it was ok. She relaxed but I asked her if she wanted some water. She said yes. I gave her 2 sips and then she started acting like she was going to vomit. She did that for a minute or so. It scared me bad! I never could get her to spit anything out. I think it was all phlem again. She had some phelm coming out of her mouth that I had been wiping off. She finally got calmed down and Roger and Mom left so she could rest. I stayed up til about 130. I was worried. But she slept off and on..She was calm.



Today I have to do laundry...and dishes...life is still spinning around me. Autumn has basketball practice. Devin has weight lifting...I guess life has to go on.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Its ok

When she opens her eyes she appears to be looking at me but I think she is looking thru me..she is gazing at something or someone..perhaps it is Paw..Im not sure. I wonder what she would tell me she is seeing. I feel she wants to tell me something but I cant make it out. So I just tell her I love her and that its ok...It is so damn hard not to cry in front of her and tonight I did..a tear hit her cheek and she blinked quickly..as to tell me...its ok....

Just Breath

Its 1 am. For the last hour I have sat and watched Gran breathe. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Her breathes go from fast and shallow to slow and deep. She got a suppository today from Hospice...no bowel movements. Its been over a week now. She also recatherised her. Barely a trace of urine. (just in the tube..not bag) Her eyes are matting together from a cold..allergies..Ive been cleaning them out with a warm wash cloth. I woke her up about 10 or so minutes ago..I thought for sure she was going..and Im just not ready yet...I know thats selfish but just not yet. The closer it gets the harder it is. I know shes not gonna get better. I hate seeing her like this but Ill be so lost without her. She whispers now..this morning she was awake and I said.."good morning Granma" she whispered back.."Granma". Then I left and Uncle Wayne came( I WOULD NOT have if I didnt have too but Autumn had soccer tournments today) When I got back..I said hi Granma..she said "hey" I have to really watch her mouth to see what she is saying because it is like reading lips. She did manage to drink 2 sips of water tonight. She kept trying to swallow like maybe her throat was hurting ( mine sure is) I thought then again maybe it was because her throat was so dry. I bought her some baby food but I know she wont eat it. I honestly dont expect her to make it til next weekend. It will truly be a miracle if she does. God does still work miracles though.
On another note..Autumn's soccer team tied in 1 game and won 7-0 in another. Her coach got the first time mixed up and thought we played at 930 pm instead of 930 am so we forfited the first game. Therefore, her team came in second. Not bad at all though. I also called up a friend and secured a job as a caregiver. I know..dont rush but I can not sit her in this house by myself while the kids are at school and Shawns at work..Ill go insane.
off to attept to sleep..or watch Gran sleep.

Friday, November 2, 2007

Depressed

This morning Gran spit up a lot of mucus. Then she couldnt swallow. The hospice nurse said that was normal and started her on morphine for pain. :( She wouldnt eat or drink harldy. We ( Mom and I ) did get her to drink a few sips of coke. Just a very few..I gave them to her thru a straw like you would a baby. Bless her heart. This is killing me....




1256 am...

I am so depressed. It is so hard not to cry in front of Gran. Mom wants everyone to get together (her kids) and tell her that its ok for her to go be with Paw. . My uncle brought her a strawberry cream slush tonight. She would not take one bite. He kinda got it on her lips and she spit it at him...he cried. Im now thinking..what am I gonna do when she passes? ill have to go back to work..but what do I want to do? Im thinking of finishing school..(maybe) and being a hospice nurse..or maybe being a caregiver thru an agency. I will be so lost. This is all I have done now for almost 3 years. Hopefully, DH will get the other job he is trying for and I can just work part time somewhere if I want to. Im sure I wont want to for a bit..Im not even sure I want to live here honestly. This is so hard and really taking its tole on me tonight or maybe my hormones are messed up..either way...it su**s!

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Halloween Night

Was pretty peaceful..I stayed home with Gran..( I havent been home on Halloween in YEARS)
Shawn took Autumn to his Aunt's party and Devin went to a party at a friends. Gran and I had 3 trick or treaters. LOL. My Uncle Wayne brought his grand kids by. I just happened to have some bubbles and suckers left over from the Halloween party we had last weekend so thats what I gave them. Gran drank 1 drink of water yesterday...Just 1 . That is all.....Wayne couldnt even get her to drink..or eat..Maybe today...I hope and pray..

Im off for a nap...I tried to stay up and watch the Ghost Hunters live taping last night but I didnt make it very long. I thought it was interesting how the ball moved in the hallway ..they said the little boys name was Timmy. hmmm...other than that...I didnt see much ...maybe someone else did.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

BRRRRRR! Cold morning

Good morning! Its 830 am. I went to bed a little early for me...1 am..I went in sweats and then ended up taking the pants off. I just couldnt get comfortable and no matter how tired I was, I couldnt go to sleep. :( I think I dozed off around 3 and then the clock went off at 530! Shawn got up on his own this morning. I just couldnt wake up. I got Autumn up late and she ended up being 3 minutes late for school. Its just her 2nd time being tardy this year. Thats not bad. Im waiting on Devins Dr. office to open so I can get him in to see the Dr. Hes got a sinus infection and coughing til he vomits. (He gets that from his Dad)
Gran slept last night. When I went to bed, I told her goodnight and that I loved her. She answered me. I kissed her on the forehead. I was rubbing her head and she kept saying..go around. So I now have figured out what that meant last week when she said it. She wanted me to rub her whole face. LOL. I like the way it feels to be caressed too.
Im off to take a nap I think...Mom will be here soon and we are cleaning the carpet in Autumns room..thats the only one I lack. The house smells soooooo good. Least for now! LOL

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Apple Sauce

I managed to get Gran to eat some peach apple sauce. About 5 bites.
She was talking to her sister Lillian earlier. Lillian has been gone around 5-6 months now. Doesnt seem like its been that long. She told me Lillian wants her to go with her. I told her she could. She then blinked and jumped back like something scared her. Lillian was gone and Paw was here. I would NEVER beleive that happened had I not witnessed it myself. The look on her face scared me..she said it was Paw(Ralph) and he was alone. She then dozed off. Paw mustve made a grand entrance or Lillian mustve not wanted to leave. She talked to her other sister Ina on the phone..poor Ina cried because of how Gran sounded. Ina asked Gran if she wanted her to come see her and she said..."I think youd better". I dont know if she was telling her if she didnt, she wouldnt get to or what.Gran made it very clear for me to tell Ina that she "loved her too" because she didnt think Ina heard her. She talks so low its hard now to understand. Im going to try to get her some medicine. Her knuckles are swollen. The inside of her lips and mouth are chapped but I cant get her to drink much. I have swabs that I use to moisten her mouth when she lets me. Bless her heart....
Im stitching some at night now...Im workin on some Christmas presents, ornaments, exchanges, and RRs. Just what ever I really feel like picking up. I think though that Im gonna get to working on that rose...Im going to make it into a pillow to put with Gran. I hope I can get it done.

Thinking of time

I cant help but think of the time I am wasting...
Watching a loved one die I think does this to me.
When she is awake she stares off into space. I often ponder on what she is thinking?
The times she is coherent, I sit by her and talk to her. I often feel guilty during these
times too. I think that someday I might regret not letting the dishes go and sitting a little more..or maybe trying to decipher her words a little more than I have. Maybe I shouldnt even be on this computer..I should be sitting right there beside her right now. I cant keep going like this...I am driving myself crazy. If I go out, I feel bad for leaving her. What if she dies and Im not here? I wasnt there when Dad died...everyone else was...but me...and I regretted it soooo bad. I swore I would not allow myself to have regrets with Gran but I already do. I am only one person though, right? I do have kids and a husband that I must attempt to take care of..
What am I to do? Everyone says Im doing all I can now but I feel like Im not...like Im failing...Im just overwhelmed. People just dont understand unless they have experienced this first hand. It is very hard . Sometimes I feel like Im having a pity party...poor me...Im stuck here everyday ...I hardly ever go out..Shawn leaves on the weekends with his friend. Hes already made plans for next weekend to go 4 wheeling. I get to go to watch Autumn play soccer this weekend. Which is fine..dont get me wrong but I just would love to go to the mountains...disconnect for awhile in an open field...take a nap...watch the clouds roll by..and just simply breathe........

Monday, October 29, 2007

Biscuits/Gravy or Gravy/Biscuits?

Which would you prefer?
Gran ate 2 bites of biscuit and gravy for supper.I decided to fix something quick and Devin wanted a bacon sandwich so I made some gravy and "poppin" ( canned) biscuits.I asked Gran if she wanted some biscuits and gravy and she said no..she wanted some gravy and biscuits! LOLShe ate 2 bites. Still no medicine today:( maybe in a bit.Angie said she is still shallow breathing but its all the time now. Nothing more I can do...

I went to Devin's last football game of this season. They won 20-0. He made some awesome plays. I was glad I got to go. Mom stayed with Gran.
Im off to bed...Im honestly tired...I think Im anemic. UGGGGG

Peach Cobbler at 2 am

Before I got ready for bed at 2, I checked on Gran as I always do. I always lay my hand on her forehead and rub her arms to make sure she is warm. Sometimes she will awaken..she did at 2. I asked her if she was hungry and she said yes so I gave her some Gerber peach cobbler for babies. She liked it. We just call it pudding...no need for her to know its really baby food. She wouldn't like the idea of knowing that she has gone back to the infancy stage. I have always heard that eventually one does resort back to that stage but I guess I just didn't realise how true that would be in Gran's life. She has always been a short little lady...5 foot and she is now trying to curl up into the fetal position the best she can. I straighten her a hundred times a day and she will go right back into the crooked uncomfortable looking position no matter whether she is on her side or her back. I guess she's just most comfortable that way. And that is all that matters...her comfort.

Autumn didnt want to go to bed last night...she kept lingering around her Dad and I. I was trying to get him a ring tone for his phone that he could hear. ( He's deaf in one ear as is Autumn) Autumn thought she was going to get a new one for her phone too but she didn't. She was mad. I told her that tonight she has to be in bed by 9 and if she gives me problems, she will go at 830 tomorrow night and etc til she gets enough sleep and can get up and get ready on time. I had to do that to Devin once. If I could just get Devin to get his self up, he would be doing great. He does go to bed at a decent hour but Im worried that once football is over, he wont. (He has A.D.D. and always has had trouble sleeping)
I think I need to have Autumn tested although her grades are good. She made A,B honor roll. But she goes all the time and she talks a hundred miles a minute! LOL...Shawn tells her she has diarrhea of the mouth! Sometimes she does and we have to remind her that her mouth is running off again. I know...not nice but it seems to be the only way we can get her to be quite. LOL..She even talks and argues in her sleep! (Walks as well) Speaking of sleep....Im going to get some...I have pics to post later on today. Ill post them to my photobucket and 123. I really need to update my stitching blog...maybe I will...

Visitors

Tonight I was sitting in the floor working on some long overdue cubes and such and Gran woke up. She started reaching to the other side of the room and calling out for her Momma...then she called out for "Ralph" Ralph was my Paw. She reached out for them. I know she didnt think they were on TV because the TV is on the other side of the room. She was reaching towards her left. She was awake earlier and was talking about maybe eating if I made her something...of course I offered but she wouldnt eat. Nor has she had any medicine tonight. :(
No food in 2 days now...no medicine except this morning. Shes sleeping again......

Friday, October 26, 2007

Friday morning

822 am..
I got up at 530 to get Shawn off to work. Laid back down...forgot to put Devins clothes in the dryer...so he had to wear wet pants this morning. When I got back up (after Mom called) it was 710! YIKES! Autumn had to be at school at 745. She was about 5 minutes late. We were all wore out from yesterday...For some reason, my alarm clock for the kids didnt go off..ugggg.

MIL and I are fixing to get busy and finish the rest of our spring /fall cleaning. It will be a long day but so worth it in the long run. Now if I can just get everyone to pitch in and help me keep it that way...

Gran slept pretty good last night. She is still sleeping and seems to be ok for now.

Dare I sleep?

Uncle Wayne came by. He brought Gran a milkshake...she ate 8 bites! I was sooooo proud.
Shawn's Aunt Janice and his Mom cleaned the lr carpet tonight. It looks new! I cleaned the fridge and kitchen. I would be so embarrassed if someone opened the fridge and it was messy!
Gran ran a low fever..100. I gave her some children's tyenol. The fever has gone for now. I did manage to get her meds in her when Wayne was here. :) She asked for more food tonight so we gave her jello. She ate 1/2 the container but did get choked on it. :(
Shes sleeping now. MIL is staying so I can go sleep.. I will try.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

A loooooong day

Last few days have been kinda rough. I could hardly get Gran to take her meds last night. She finally did. She kept talking about some man (Marvin)here to get her and the church lady the night before. She doesnt want to go with the man but isnt sure about the woman. She was scared of Mom on Tuesday evening. She thought she was going to hurt us.

She was in and out of sleep last night so I went to bed about 2. I kept waking up. Couldnt sleep...
At 530 , I got up and she was breathing really fast. I immediately touched her as I was afraid she was running the high fever. She was cold. It was hot in here. Her fingers are starting to turn blueish and she is gray around the mouth and under her eyes. I called Angie (her nurse) and Mom called at 7 to see if the kids were up for school. I told Mom what was going on and she came on home. Angie came and Gran had started breathing a little better. She was taking shallow breathes and not actually exchanging air but when she got deep breathes her lungs were clear. I went and got her meds for the UTI she has. She would NOT take it. Its liquid and smells like vanilla ice cream but she wouldnt have it at all! She also wouldnt take her pain meds that Im supposed to give her before her bath.

Mom and I sponged her off around 330. We gave up on the full bath. Poor Gran just laid there and looked at us and wouldnt answer me at all. Eventually, she did nod her head. She drank some coke...fountain coke from Sonic finally for me.

Shawns Aunt came by as well did his Mom and Memaw. Gran woke up briefly and talked to me a bit. We sat her up in the bed and she drank some more coke. Best shes been all day.

Still yet....I dont have a good feeling...
She did tell me earlier of angels and she "reckoned" they wanted her to go with them. I told her it was fine if she wanted to go.

I am physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. I am sooooo tired. I feel like I could sleep a year.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

No Food but Yes to UTI

Gran does have the UTI starting. The Dr's nurse called today to tell me she was calling in medicine for "whatever" infection Gran had and asked me to tell her the symptoms. WHAT?! The Hospice nurse took a urine sample on Friday. I mean shouldnt the Dr call to tell me the results of the test?? The Dr's nurse told me that the infection wasnt responding to antibiotics so she's calling in something stronger. I was SHOCKED! They were assuming this was the same UTI as 3 months ago. Unreal...anyways...they called in some meds so hopefully that will help Gran to keep from getting so bad. She would NOT eat anything tonight and she is completely in a fetal position...I can not move her..she cries. That scares me too. I just sit by her bed and stitch and try to keep her comfy. I will rub her hand or her head from time to time. I am back to not going to bed unless I feel she is going to be ok. Time is of the essence. She doesnt have much left I am sure.
Im off to stitch....(DH let us order Chinese tonight) YUM! So I have little kitchen clean up!

Friends?

Have you ever had friends that you thought were your friend but you're really not sure?
I have some that I call convience friends. They are only my friend when it is convient for them. I also have family like that as well. I hate feeling used. Who doesnt right? What ever happened to the "childhood" friend I grew up with? She and I were close enough to be simese twins..
I sure miss her..I wonder if I looked her up if we could get that back?
I see my daughter with her friends. I wish she would get that 1 true friend that she can grow up with..go thru highschool with ...be in each others weddings and there for each other when they have children. I wish she could have the friend I long for.

Devin has one childhood friend. They call each other brother. They introduce each other as brothers. Devin's funny...his best friend at school is introduced as his cousin but his life long best friend is his brother...I guess thats his way of showing them where they are on his list of importance. I dont know...teen boys are too funny...

I got scared!

Yesterday Gran woke up and started hollering immediately. She just kept hollering "hey" even when we went over to her and held her hand. She was talking well and told me that the church lady wanted her to go some where but she wasnt sure if she wanted to go or not. She also told me the church lady was in the box outside. She was panicked and breathing heavily. She kept saying to "come around" I asked her who she wanted to come around and she didnt answer. I asked if she wanted everyone to come around and she said "NO!" I rubbed her face. She quited eventually. Mom came by and Gran wouldnt speak to her. She told me she was afraid she was going to hurt us. Mom reassured her that she would never hurt her. Gran didnt want Autumn to leave her yesterday but Autumn had a basketball game. ( her first! and they won!)
It took Gran along time to go to sleep and still at 3 am she wasnt really resting well. She was talking alot and fidgeting with her covers and hands. I know all this is to be expected but she was so "out of the norm" yesterday. I hope today is better. The Hospice nurse, Angie, got some urine from her cath last week. Maybe the Dr's office will have the results today. They are testing her for a UTI ..my request. I just dont want the infection and fever to sneak in on me like the last time. I will not let her go into septic shock again and I will not let her die from something that can be treated with a simple medication. Angie and I have already talked about that. Gran is a DNR patient. (Her choice by living will) However, I dont feel there is a need for her to die from something that can be easily treated with some infection medication.
We had Devins 15th birthday/halloween party over the weekend. I spent most of my time this year in the house with Gran. I did put my usual vampire custom on but I think it bothered her so I took it off. Bless her heart. I never thought that a little makeup would scare her or I wouldve never put it on. It was just barely white with black lipstick. Maybe it was the lips. LOL
I will post pics when I get the chance to.
I have been stitching some again. I have several Halloween finishes and am now working on a RR that I have along with Christmas ornaments. I really have to get to stitching on my Christmas gifts. I think next year, Ill start alot earlier. I would love to stitch something BIG for just myself at my own pace and not feel so rushed. Stitching is supposed to be fun not stressful with the threat of a dead line in front of you. Its supposed to be my relaxation but lately, I can honestly say it has not been..

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Decorating and Babies

Lately, Gran has been talking more. I still cant understand what she is saying. Her eating habits are still the same..I did get her to eat about 1/2 a serving of cole slaw from Chik Filet. She loves that slaw. I told her she could eat the rest tonight since she was getting frustrated.
Autumn is back at school today. She is feeling LOTS better. Thank you everyone who prayed for her.
My brother and SIL had their 3rd baby on Monday morning at 202 am. It was just them and me! I got to cut the cord. I cried more than SIL did. I had never witnessed an actual natural birth but she did awesome. Brooklyn came so fast her little face got briused. SIL had no meds. Both my babies were C sections and I felt so cheated not being able to see them born so SIL let me go this time. God is truly a miracle worker.
DS turns 15 Thursday...we are partying this weekend..Im in the process of turning my house/garage into something from the dark side. LOL We always have a halloween bash/birthday bash together. DH will be 37 at the end of the month.
I am off to get laundry done and finish decorating outside.

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Tonight........

Gran ate .....

3 bites of a hamburger patty and 3 fries with ketchup...plus
1/2 of a blueberry muffin and 1/2 a glass of coke. YEA!
That was a HUGE meal for her. I am soooooo proud.
She is talking alot today too. Kinda scares me though...

Off to bed..both kids are gone for the night. Shawn is already asleep...
I think I will go to if Gran goes soon...

Friday, October 12, 2007

Update on the sickly

Here's the news...
Autumn is getting more better by the day. She went out today with a light jacket and played. She also went to the skating rink for Christian skate night. She had a friend whom she had not seen in a while go with her so it was good for them both.

Gran on the other hand...

The Hospice nurse said today she didn't know how much longer Gran could go the way she is going now. She BARELY ate anything again tonight and only ate 3 mini cookies last night. Tonight was even less, a bite of corn and 1/2 a bite of baby apple sauce.
1/2 cup of water. That is it for this whole day. To me she is starting to look grey in the face and on her feet. I can't help but wonder if this is the blue /purple that everyone talks of. I took myself a picture tonight...Its of her hand holding mine. Im gonna have itblown up and framed. Dont ask...just something I wanted to have. Theres nothing more I can do...I know that but still I feel quilty if Im not right there by her side. If I leave the house to go do something I am scared to death she will die while I am gone. I pray that I will have a sign to show me that her time is near so I can be with her. That is my prayer....

Monday, October 8, 2007

ER Once again...

Just got home from the Childrens Hospital in Knoxville...( they are soooooooooo nice)
Autumns pneumonia isnt getting any better. In fact, it is getting worse. Come to find out, she has a different kind and is contagious! That is great with Gran. I quarantined her to her room. She is on a different medicine. I hope this one works.
Gran ate some baby food..meat sticks actually. She also has been eating a cream slush from Sonic. Its like a milk shake. Uncle Wayne brings them to her. She will eat for him.

I hope to get some sleep tonight.

Good Night/Morning

It is 530 am here in E. Tennessee. Today starts fall break for the kids except Devin still has to go to school for football practice. They have an away game tonight so I will not get to go :(
I have only seen 1 of his games so far. The season will be over soon. I really hope to get to see more. Gran got a bath last night and her bed changed. Shawn helped me to do that before he went to bed. Uncle Wayne came by and got her to eat a whole cream slush from Sonic. He was amazed and so was I. I guess Ill have to start getting her those from time to time. I did get her some finger foods although they are for toddlers but maybe she will eat them. I got her some meat sticks and some chicken sticks. She can hold them herself and eat them. Devin said they were just a different form of Vienna Sausages. I guess he's right. At least it is some form of protien which she badly needs. I also got her some peach cobbler and dutch apple desert. Hey, anything is better than nothing..

Autumn is STILL sick but not as bad as before. Her fever will break completley and stay away a little while without any more medicine. I just hate giving her meds every 2 hours.
I havent been feeling the greatest myself the past few days and have been having some really bad headaches. I thought they were sinus at first but Im thinking more along the lines of migrains now since I have to end up taking migrain meds for them before I get any relief. I try to keep from taking it because it makes me so tired. I think the headaches are stress/lack of sleep related.

I have been stitching some..I have almost completed my new ornament I have started. I still need to back stitch the Santa ..He is sooooooo cute. My goal is to finish all the ornaments I have to stitch this week. Long shot, I know. I would at least like to get 2 completely done. I think I can manage that. I still have a few Halloween things to finish for exchanges as well. One is an ornament...the others are a towel and tuck pillow or cube. I think Im going to make that partner a cube. Ive just got to get stitching! I have some HUGE Christmas projects to work on as well.
Sigh....hopefully, I can get them done.
Im going to bed as soon as Shawn gets off to work. Autumn is going to lay with me for a while.
Good morning to all...or Good night! :)

Waving hello to all my 123 friends!

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Another Loooong night

Its for sure to be another loooooong night. My daughter is STILL running the fever and it's been how long now? I would have thought the antibiotic would have started working by now but to me she is only getting worse. I called the hospital and they seem to be non concerned. Her fever was just up to 103.8. I gave her more medicine. She has done nothing but take medicine the past few days. Im sure she is bound to be tired of being sick..I know I am. I am wore out!

Gran ate 1 bite of my hamburger tonight and 1/2 of a brownie from a pan I had baked earlier. She is sleeping again. Seems that is about all she does lately. I am tired. I cant go to bed with Autumns fever being high like this. I guess Im in for another loooooooong night..

Saturday, October 6, 2007

Saturday...man Im tired!

I can not believe it is almost 4 pm. I have been up maybe 20 minutes. I didnt get to go to bed until 800 am. I HATE having to set my clock and get up on Saturday mornings but Shawn had to get up at 730. Im just thankful that the kids are on fall break next week although Devin has to be at football practice at 8 every morning! That is some crap! What can they learn over fall break that they didn't learn over summer break. Anyways...

Gran hasnt been eating again although I did get her to eat a snack cake yesterday. Shes sleeping now. She is about the same as always.

Autumn , my 10 year old daughter, is a different story. She is sick still. She has ran a fever over a week now and has pneumonia. She coughs her little head off. She is coughing so much now she is hurting at night. The Dr from Childrens Hospital put her on the strongest antibiotic she could. I hope it starts to kick in soon. Its very sad seeing her like this..She is normally the one full of energy. She hasnt even been to soccer this week.

Our little kitten just decided to jump into the tub. Autumn left the water from her bath in there! LOL. The furry kitty , Pumpkin, looks like a drowned rat. Poor baby..

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Virus?

I was up most of the night last night ( Tuesday 10/2) with my daughter. Her temp got up to 103.6 I took her to the DR yesterday but she said she had nothing wrong..hmmm.
I gave her an adult Motrin..(just 1) and this morning her fever was 97.5! She went to school even though the dr said she could stay home til Friday. Gran didnt eat but 1 bite of a chicken stick last night. I dont know what else to do..she just wont eat. What more can I say? What can I do? Im going to the store today and getting her some baby food. MAYBE she will eat some of it.
I have to clean my room. YUCK..LOL

I have been lurking some at the other place I visit. Im still kinda disinheartened by some people. I have to realise they are just people on this net like me. I cant please all the people all of the time. Right? If so...the bill collectors would stop calling me! :)

Im off to start laundry and finish my Santa!

Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Last Night

Gran ate 1/2 a cup of single serving jello. That's it. Tonight so far...nothing. She is now hollering for us to get her out of here! I know it sounds awful but it drives me crazy sometimes. Why is it that when I feel bad or am really tired I have to have nights like these? I think she has a radar..I used to say that about my kids too. I know she cant help it. I just have to remind myself of that.

My daughter has a virus..her strep test came back negative so that's that. The Dr still gave her 3 days out of school but NO MEDICINE. I thought that was wierd. She said she has blisters on her throat and DD has been running a fever over 100 for over 24 hours but she still gave her no meds. I donno...Ill give her some tylenol AGAIN and see what happens.

My computer is acting up. SOMEONE deleted ALL my favorites...all my friends homepages, links, freebies to charts to stitch..over 200..talk about upset..Ill never get them all back. Thank goodness I know how to search. I also lost quite a few emails..

Now I just got informed that we think my brothers dog got shot..I help take care of her. Theres something all the time going on here. And people wonder why I FORGET things or why other things take priority.

I have been stitching some. Ill have to post some pics here and then link them to my stitchers blog. I dont think I will be posting them at the usual place that I used too. In fact, I dont think Ill be frequenting that place as much as I used to. Lets just say...things happened and sometimes I think people have way too much time on their hands and worry about things much too small.
We are all entitled to our opinions right? Besides, I know who my TRUE FRIENDS are and who I can TRUELY count on.
Nuff said...( can you tell I am NOT in the best of moods?)

Monday, October 1, 2007

She Ate!

Tonight I am proud to say that Granma ate! She ate almost a whole bbq sandwich and 3 potato bites. (oven baked cut up potatoes) I was so proud. Shawn helped me change her clothes and the bed before he went to bed. I don't know what Id do without him and Mom sometimes. It is hard to change her by myself but I have done it before and can do it if I have to. I have been catching up on the never ending mountain of laundry. I think I have it knocked down to a mole hill now.
Now if I can just get whats folded put away before I have to wash more..I can dream can't I?

Shawn and I went to the flea market today. No I didnt buy any fleas. ( haha) I did buy some movies and saw 3 actual stitched pieces! There was one I so loved but I just couldnt bring myself to give 10.00 for it. I know the actual stitching itself was well worth it but I just couldnt get it. I bought milk with that 10.00 instead...sigh...the sacrifices I make for my kids. LOL...Seriously...I might have given 7.00 for it..but not 10.00. It wasnt well taken care of. ( I am trying to justify to myself why I just didnt give the man 10.00 for it! ) If he has it next weekend..I will give him 10.00. Ok,,now I feel better about that.

I am tired...very tired...I didnt sleep much last night. It seems the earlier I go to bed the worse I sleep. I wake up ALOT when I do get to go to bed early. So tonight Im making myself stay up later. I have to take Devin to school in the morning and every morning this week in fact..He got into trouble at school for not turning his home work in so his Science teacher who is also one of his football coaches is letting him come in early to make them up before the final grade for this grading period comes out. Otherwise...he will fail..and then he can not play ball. I guess thats a lesson he has to learn.

I think Gran is going to sleep now..she was fighting it earlier. I guess thats what I get for her eating...she did tell me her tummy was hurting...maybe she honeslty ate too much. I guess so since she hasnt been eating anything.
Hopefully tomorrow I can get some jello down her. We'll see.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

314 AM

314 am Sun Sept 30th.
We are still up.......It is all I can do to stay awake. I tried to stitch but I kept messing up so I put it up. I hate going back and trying to figure out what Ive done wrong the next day. I came over to the office in hopes that maybe Gran would think I went to bed and go on to sleep herself. I just unwadded her blanket for the 5th time tonight. She also was tugging on her cath tube. Mom unhooked it earlier today when we were changing Grans bed. We had to change it again. I hope Gran doesnt pull on it too much. Im afraid she will pull it out. I havent done much of anything today. Im having some female problems and can't get to the doctor right now. I would love to have a surgery to take care of these problems but can't right now. I am tired...very tired..

My daughter had a spat with an old friend this afternoon that is back into town. It really got me upset. It was over some skates that another friend had given my daughter awhile back..(several months) I located the skates and am taking them home to the original owner tomorrow. I told my daughter that from now on she is to politely say "no thank you" in regards to such gifts UNLESS she has permission from an ADULT on both ends. Wise decision I think. Once it was all straightened out..DD went skating and I was able to relax. ( well somewhat)

I am almost finished with my Santa ornament. It is sooooo cute. I lost it or I wouldve been done by now. I thought I had lost it at the Drs. office last week when I took DD in for a physical but they said no...I searched the car...searched my purse...and all I came up with was the floss and chart..SIGH...then Friday morning I was walking to the mail box and low and behold on the ground right next to the porch was my Santa piece! Not a speck of dirt on him anywhere. I was relieved. At that point, I had been working on it for a week! I still have maybe 30 stitches to put in and the backstitching but I can do that tomorrow. I am just tooooooo tired tonight. Maybe Gran is sleeping..I think I will go see..I am now seeing shadows out of the corner of my eye. LOL
I used to say they were Papaw watching over me but Ive convinced myself that the "white" floaters in the house are him ...I dont know about the shadows...Maybe they are just that..shadows..Gnight...I hope!

No Food

It has been over 24 hours since Gran last ate. Last night she ate about 2 bites of my burger from Hooters. We don't even buy her whole meals anymore..I just share mine. Tonight I asked her if I went to Chick Filet and got her a chicken sandwich and slaw if she would eat it? Her face lit up like a child's at Christmas and she was very enthusied with her "yes" answer. I gave her a dose of pain medicine for her head..she said it was hurting and I darted out the door to Chick Filet. I had to take the kids to the skating rink first of course. When I got home, Gran had dozed off so I woke her. I could NOT for the life of me convince her to eat just 1 bite. Her sandwich and slaw are both in the fridge. Maybe my uncle can talk her into it. Shawn (DH) even offered to get her a shake or apple pie from McDonalds on the way back from getting the kids at the rink. She told him no. She just doesn't want anything. My uncle did get her to drink about 3 sips of water and I just got her to drink 6 ounces myself. Other than that...nothing. She surely can not sustain life much longer like this. Her poor body is skin and bones and it breaks my heart. I feel all I can do is wait for her to make her transition to the other side.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Things are about the same lately. Gran isn't eating much at all as if she was eating a lot to begin with. She is even starting to "skip" days of eating. If I get 3 or 3 bites A DAY into her I am doing good. Some days she will drink a lot. At least 32 ounces..others I can't hardly get enough into her for her medicine. She just doesn't want it. I don't know what else to do. I feel like a failure. I just have to remind myself that I am doing the best I can and I can not make her eat. I offered her strawberry ice cream the other night. She ate 2 bites. Spit the real strawberry back out at me. SHRUG...I don't know..

Yesterday (9-26) Mom and I went to the funeral home to prearrange her funeral. We picked out the most beautiful casket I have ever seen. It's white with pink faded onto it. It's lined in pink ruffles and has pink roses embroidered on it. Of course I loved it seeing how I am a stitcher. Gran's favorite color is pink. I think I'll stitch a pink rose to put in there with her.
Ok...enough of this...*crying*..

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

I really should be....

Cleaning! I am soooooooo tired. I have been up since 130 on Tuesday. I got no sleep last night..not even a wink. I do however have a ton of stuff for the yard sale. I hate having these sometimes. I have decided this time that whatever money I make off my name brand clothes, I will take with me to Pigeon Forge this weekend and spend it on stash! I already went to Dixie Darlins website and looked to see what I want to buy. Now I just need to email her and see if she has what I want. One thing for sure, if she doesn't, I can always get some hand dyed threads and fabrics! Gran asked for toast and jelly about 530 this morning. I made her some..she took 3 bites. Mom came down at 8 and we cleaned Gran up. She had an accident. The bath lady is supposed to be here at 3..but whats the point? Ive done bathed her. Sometimes I wonder. Why is it on bath day that I end up bathing her before the lady ever gets here? LOL..I think Gran is setting me up!
Off to clean...UGGGGGGGG Id rather stitch or sleep!

Laundry and Yard Sale

Mom and I have decided to have a yard sale on Thursday. I am disinhearted because I had to go thru all the clothes that were piled up in the bed room. I really haven't officially moved into Gran's room and Shawn and I have been sleeping in there for some time now. I have to take Gran's clothes out of the closet so Mom can go thru them and see if someone can use them. I hate doing that. I feel like I am moving Gran out of that room for good. I know she would rather someone use them then to just let them sit in there and gather dust and get moth eaten. I do have a few shirts that I am saving. A lady , Kathi, on the 123 message board (www.123stitch.com) suggested that I keep some and make a quilt. I have some shirts that belonged to others I have lost in the past and I think I will do just that with everyone's shirts. I also am going to stitch Lizzie Kate's "My Granma" and finish it either into a cube or a pillow. I will use the shirt fabric and buttons on which ever I decide to make.

Here is my update that I posted to the 123 message board.
Well..Im trying to talk myself into going and finishing the laundry but I thought Id take a break. Gran was so funny tonight..(sad also). I baked her some chicken nuggets. I told her she could have some strawberry ice cream if she would eat 4 nuggets. She took her paper towel and dipped it in the ketchup! She was licking like crazy. Reminded me of something my kids would do when they were younger. She did manage to eat 1 whole nugget and 1/2 another..Other than that..she licked the ketchup off them after I showed her how to dip them. She drank 1/2 her coke. ( she loves coke) I did get her to eat 2 bite size fig newtons and 1 chocolate chip cookie earlier. She fell asleep before ice cream. Ill give her some for lunch tomorrow. I did notice the other night when I was changing her at 3 am that she has lost sooooooo much weight. She used to weigh about 180. I bet she does good to weigh 120 now. She was 149 about a month or so ago. Her skin just hangs and her face is all sunk in. So sad. She was still in good spirits tonight. She argued with DD cause she did a hand stand in the house. LOL. The living room is huge and DD loves to tumble. Special memories..

Uncle Wayne came by earlier tonight and stayed a bit. Gran told him she would eat for him. She did eat the cookie and the fig newtons when he was here. I wish I could get her to eat more but she won't. She did tell me the other day that she wished she could eat like she used too as well. So sad.

Angie , the Hospice nurse, came on Monday. She is a sweet heart. She checked Gran over real well and she was gone. She did say her lungs were clear and that everything was looking good. Gran had some bouts with some bad bowel movements over the weekend. But she is clear of those now too. I couldnt beleive she was doing that since she hadn't taken anything much in. But I guess maybe she caught a bug off one of the kids from school or something. I was scared her body was preparing itself. I am soooo scared of her passing and me being here alone. Angie told me what another one of her cleints family memebers had told her. ....

Angie was having problems with letting her Mom go. The family member told her to look at it like this:
It would be the best thing she could do...holding her Mom's hand and walking her right up to the gates of Heaven. What more can I ask for?

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Why Im here

I have always been close to my Grandmother. She is like my second Mom. I wonder if that is why she is called GRAND mother? This blog is about our adventures day to day in dealing with alzheimers.