Christmas Eve

We always spent Christmas eve at Grans house eating dinner and opening gifts. Well, today I went to the grave yard and straightned up all the decorations and her trees. Her first born son is there as well as many other family members so I took care of his stone as well. It was odd..there telling Gran and Paw "Merry Christmas" and as the tears fell down my face, I looked up..the sky was PINK. Pink is Grans favorite color. I think she was telling me Merry Christmas back. I know I shouldnt be sad...I should be happy, glad she is not suffering, blah blah blah blah..( Ive heard it 100 times) but I cant help it..Im only human and dang it , it hurts ya know? I still miss her and no I wouldnt wish her back here for her to hurt but I would wish her back here so I could hold her hand one more time..hug her once more...kiss her once more..tell her I love her once more..and just cherish her for a few minutes. I knew it would be hard. Jan 2 will too. That was her birth day. Im off to make biscuits for Christmas breakfast tomorrow at MIL's house. Merry Christmas.

Well I did it....

I wasn't going to really..but Autumn begged sooooo I gave in and we .....

put up the Christmas tree. It was very hard since most of the ornaments are Gran's seeing how most of mine were lost in our move to Gran's house. The garland is pink...there are several pink bulbs. Her favorite color is pink. Autumn wanted to put an angel on top instead of the regular Santa that Gran has ..Gran collects Santa...so we found one in red. She's very pretty. I will try to post a picture tomorrow..I still have a few more ornaments to add.
Hugs,Jen/tn
Yes I know I speak of Gran in present tense...it's hard to speak of her in past tense. Today is 4 weeks...4 very long weeks for me since she went to Heaven.

Life is moving on here for me. Its been 3 weeks now and sometimes it already seems as though it has been much longer. Then , when I go to the grave yard and I still see the dead flowers that have not been cleaned off Gran's grave..I am reminded that it's only been a few weeks. I miss her like crazy and still catch myself doing things out of habit and crying where ever I am because something reminds me of her. I dont know if you believe in spirits or not but I sure do..both her and my Paw have visited me. He came right after she passed as a breath of "Old Spice" aftershave. That's what he wore all the time. It was soooooo overpowering but gone as quickly as it came. I think he was confirming that he had her. She came the other morning when I had laid back down after taking the kids to school. I made sure all my furbabies were in the living room and crawled into bed under one of the blankets that was on her bed. My head was hurting very baddly so I took some medicine ..as I was drifting off to sleep, I felt a series of strong pats on my right side. I rolled over to see if one of my doggies had gotten into my room but they had not. I thought I mustve imagined it BUT it happened again with me right there...wide awake...to me it was Gran telling me she was there and that it's ok. Thats what I did to her in the last days...on her right side...every time I left the room, I would come back and pat her bed or her and tell her that it was ok...that I was there now. She is gone in body but I feel like she is still here holding my hand and helping me go on with my life. I am trying to do just as she would want me to do but its just so hard sometimes. I find myself not knowing what to do...just staring at the walls but that is all fixing to change. I got a job! Im going back to work next week. I will be working in a call center which is totally opposite of anything I have ever done before. I am very excited. I will be able to dress up and feel good about myself instead of having to wear an uniform and just not caring. I think this is something Gran would want me to do. I still would like to work with Geratics but I just can't yet...maybe in time.