Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Non responsive
Gran is non responsive. She has been since yesterday morning. She wont even make a face when the light is on. The only was to describe it is...shes in a coma.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Thank You!
I wish to say a huge THANK YOU to all my online friends from 123 that have sent me surpises, words or encouragement, and just remembered us in prayer. I am truely blessed and can never repay the kindness. Thank each and every one of you. May God bless you all.
Catch up post
I havent posted in a few days now. I really havent done much of anything. I recieved a book from a friend on the 123 message board so I have been reading it. Its called 90 Minutes in Heaven. ( THANK YOU VALERIE) It is a really good book.
Ive also been sttiching...Im working on a small design that I want to make a pillow for Gran's coffin..:(
Angie, hospice nurse, came yesterday and did the vitals for Gran. She said her heart was still really strong and her lungs were clear. She also said that her bowel sounds were weak and that her body had started shutting down. I asked her if she had to guess based on what she had seen with her experience how long she would think it may be...she told me around a few weeks and that would be stretching it. Of course, she doesnt know for sure..no one does. She told me she honestly expected the call any day from me telling her Gran had gone on. She asked me if there was an important date coming up that she could be waiting on..I had not thought of that but there is. Her and Paws wedding anniversary was in November. Nov the 20th to be exact. IF it so happens that she makes it to that date, if that is truely what she is holding on for, I will rejoice. She will be remarried to Paw in Heaven. How truely wonderful will that be? I mean it will be wonderful as it is for them to be reunited but on that specail date. It will be such a blessing for me here. I think it will be so much more easier for the to deal with.
Last night, She awoke..my brother was here. He was talking to her and I could tell by the look on her face that she was getting aggitated. Bless his heart, he was talking alot and she was trying to answer him but she couldnt. I went over and gave her a doze of morphin and then told her it was ok. She relaxed but I asked her if she wanted some water. She said yes. I gave her 2 sips and then she started acting like she was going to vomit. She did that for a minute or so. It scared me bad! I never could get her to spit anything out. I think it was all phlem again. She had some phelm coming out of her mouth that I had been wiping off. She finally got calmed down and Roger and Mom left so she could rest. I stayed up til about 130. I was worried. But she slept off and on..She was calm.
Today I have to do laundry...and dishes...life is still spinning around me. Autumn has basketball practice. Devin has weight lifting...I guess life has to go on.
Ive also been sttiching...Im working on a small design that I want to make a pillow for Gran's coffin..:(
Angie, hospice nurse, came yesterday and did the vitals for Gran. She said her heart was still really strong and her lungs were clear. She also said that her bowel sounds were weak and that her body had started shutting down. I asked her if she had to guess based on what she had seen with her experience how long she would think it may be...she told me around a few weeks and that would be stretching it. Of course, she doesnt know for sure..no one does. She told me she honestly expected the call any day from me telling her Gran had gone on. She asked me if there was an important date coming up that she could be waiting on..I had not thought of that but there is. Her and Paws wedding anniversary was in November. Nov the 20th to be exact. IF it so happens that she makes it to that date, if that is truely what she is holding on for, I will rejoice. She will be remarried to Paw in Heaven. How truely wonderful will that be? I mean it will be wonderful as it is for them to be reunited but on that specail date. It will be such a blessing for me here. I think it will be so much more easier for the to deal with.
Last night, She awoke..my brother was here. He was talking to her and I could tell by the look on her face that she was getting aggitated. Bless his heart, he was talking alot and she was trying to answer him but she couldnt. I went over and gave her a doze of morphin and then told her it was ok. She relaxed but I asked her if she wanted some water. She said yes. I gave her 2 sips and then she started acting like she was going to vomit. She did that for a minute or so. It scared me bad! I never could get her to spit anything out. I think it was all phlem again. She had some phelm coming out of her mouth that I had been wiping off. She finally got calmed down and Roger and Mom left so she could rest. I stayed up til about 130. I was worried. But she slept off and on..She was calm.
Today I have to do laundry...and dishes...life is still spinning around me. Autumn has basketball practice. Devin has weight lifting...I guess life has to go on.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
Its ok
When she opens her eyes she appears to be looking at me but I think she is looking thru me..she is gazing at something or someone..perhaps it is Paw..Im not sure. I wonder what she would tell me she is seeing. I feel she wants to tell me something but I cant make it out. So I just tell her I love her and that its ok...It is so damn hard not to cry in front of her and tonight I did..a tear hit her cheek and she blinked quickly..as to tell me...its ok....
Just Breath
Its 1 am. For the last hour I have sat and watched Gran breathe. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Her breathes go from fast and shallow to slow and deep. She got a suppository today from Hospice...no bowel movements. Its been over a week now. She also recatherised her. Barely a trace of urine. (just in the tube..not bag) Her eyes are matting together from a cold..allergies..Ive been cleaning them out with a warm wash cloth. I woke her up about 10 or so minutes ago..I thought for sure she was going..and Im just not ready yet...I know thats selfish but just not yet. The closer it gets the harder it is. I know shes not gonna get better. I hate seeing her like this but Ill be so lost without her. She whispers now..this morning she was awake and I said.."good morning Granma" she whispered back.."Granma". Then I left and Uncle Wayne came( I WOULD NOT have if I didnt have too but Autumn had soccer tournments today) When I got back..I said hi Granma..she said "hey" I have to really watch her mouth to see what she is saying because it is like reading lips. She did manage to drink 2 sips of water tonight. She kept trying to swallow like maybe her throat was hurting ( mine sure is) I thought then again maybe it was because her throat was so dry. I bought her some baby food but I know she wont eat it. I honestly dont expect her to make it til next weekend. It will truly be a miracle if she does. God does still work miracles though.
On another note..Autumn's soccer team tied in 1 game and won 7-0 in another. Her coach got the first time mixed up and thought we played at 930 pm instead of 930 am so we forfited the first game. Therefore, her team came in second. Not bad at all though. I also called up a friend and secured a job as a caregiver. I know..dont rush but I can not sit her in this house by myself while the kids are at school and Shawns at work..Ill go insane.
off to attept to sleep..or watch Gran sleep.
On another note..Autumn's soccer team tied in 1 game and won 7-0 in another. Her coach got the first time mixed up and thought we played at 930 pm instead of 930 am so we forfited the first game. Therefore, her team came in second. Not bad at all though. I also called up a friend and secured a job as a caregiver. I know..dont rush but I can not sit her in this house by myself while the kids are at school and Shawns at work..Ill go insane.
off to attept to sleep..or watch Gran sleep.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Depressed
This morning Gran spit up a lot of mucus. Then she couldnt swallow. The hospice nurse said that was normal and started her on morphine for pain. :( She wouldnt eat or drink harldy. We ( Mom and I ) did get her to drink a few sips of coke. Just a very few..I gave them to her thru a straw like you would a baby. Bless her heart. This is killing me....
1256 am...
I am so depressed. It is so hard not to cry in front of Gran. Mom wants everyone to get together (her kids) and tell her that its ok for her to go be with Paw. . My uncle brought her a strawberry cream slush tonight. She would not take one bite. He kinda got it on her lips and she spit it at him...he cried. Im now thinking..what am I gonna do when she passes? ill have to go back to work..but what do I want to do? Im thinking of finishing school..(maybe) and being a hospice nurse..or maybe being a caregiver thru an agency. I will be so lost. This is all I have done now for almost 3 years. Hopefully, DH will get the other job he is trying for and I can just work part time somewhere if I want to. Im sure I wont want to for a bit..Im not even sure I want to live here honestly. This is so hard and really taking its tole on me tonight or maybe my hormones are messed up..either way...it su**s!
1256 am...
I am so depressed. It is so hard not to cry in front of Gran. Mom wants everyone to get together (her kids) and tell her that its ok for her to go be with Paw. . My uncle brought her a strawberry cream slush tonight. She would not take one bite. He kinda got it on her lips and she spit it at him...he cried. Im now thinking..what am I gonna do when she passes? ill have to go back to work..but what do I want to do? Im thinking of finishing school..(maybe) and being a hospice nurse..or maybe being a caregiver thru an agency. I will be so lost. This is all I have done now for almost 3 years. Hopefully, DH will get the other job he is trying for and I can just work part time somewhere if I want to. Im sure I wont want to for a bit..Im not even sure I want to live here honestly. This is so hard and really taking its tole on me tonight or maybe my hormones are messed up..either way...it su**s!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Halloween Night
Was pretty peaceful..I stayed home with Gran..( I havent been home on Halloween in YEARS)
Shawn took Autumn to his Aunt's party and Devin went to a party at a friends. Gran and I had 3 trick or treaters. LOL. My Uncle Wayne brought his grand kids by. I just happened to have some bubbles and suckers left over from the Halloween party we had last weekend so thats what I gave them. Gran drank 1 drink of water yesterday...Just 1 . That is all.....Wayne couldnt even get her to drink..or eat..Maybe today...I hope and pray..
Im off for a nap...I tried to stay up and watch the Ghost Hunters live taping last night but I didnt make it very long. I thought it was interesting how the ball moved in the hallway ..they said the little boys name was Timmy. hmmm...other than that...I didnt see much ...maybe someone else did.
Shawn took Autumn to his Aunt's party and Devin went to a party at a friends. Gran and I had 3 trick or treaters. LOL. My Uncle Wayne brought his grand kids by. I just happened to have some bubbles and suckers left over from the Halloween party we had last weekend so thats what I gave them. Gran drank 1 drink of water yesterday...Just 1 . That is all.....Wayne couldnt even get her to drink..or eat..Maybe today...I hope and pray..
Im off for a nap...I tried to stay up and watch the Ghost Hunters live taping last night but I didnt make it very long. I thought it was interesting how the ball moved in the hallway ..they said the little boys name was Timmy. hmmm...other than that...I didnt see much ...maybe someone else did.
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