Christmas Eve

We always spent Christmas eve at Grans house eating dinner and opening gifts. Well, today I went to the grave yard and straightned up all the decorations and her trees. Her first born son is there as well as many other family members so I took care of his stone as well. It was odd..there telling Gran and Paw "Merry Christmas" and as the tears fell down my face, I looked up..the sky was PINK. Pink is Grans favorite color. I think she was telling me Merry Christmas back. I know I shouldnt be sad...I should be happy, glad she is not suffering, blah blah blah blah..( Ive heard it 100 times) but I cant help it..Im only human and dang it , it hurts ya know? I still miss her and no I wouldnt wish her back here for her to hurt but I would wish her back here so I could hold her hand one more time..hug her once more...kiss her once more..tell her I love her once more..and just cherish her for a few minutes. I knew it would be hard. Jan 2 will too. That was her birth day. Im off to make biscuits for Christmas breakfast tomorrow at MIL's house. Merry Christmas.

Well I did it....

I wasn't going to really..but Autumn begged sooooo I gave in and we .....

put up the Christmas tree. It was very hard since most of the ornaments are Gran's seeing how most of mine were lost in our move to Gran's house. The garland is pink...there are several pink bulbs. Her favorite color is pink. Autumn wanted to put an angel on top instead of the regular Santa that Gran has ..Gran collects Santa...so we found one in red. She's very pretty. I will try to post a picture tomorrow..I still have a few more ornaments to add.
Hugs,Jen/tn
Yes I know I speak of Gran in present tense...it's hard to speak of her in past tense. Today is 4 weeks...4 very long weeks for me since she went to Heaven.

Life is moving on here for me. Its been 3 weeks now and sometimes it already seems as though it has been much longer. Then , when I go to the grave yard and I still see the dead flowers that have not been cleaned off Gran's grave..I am reminded that it's only been a few weeks. I miss her like crazy and still catch myself doing things out of habit and crying where ever I am because something reminds me of her. I dont know if you believe in spirits or not but I sure do..both her and my Paw have visited me. He came right after she passed as a breath of "Old Spice" aftershave. That's what he wore all the time. It was soooooo overpowering but gone as quickly as it came. I think he was confirming that he had her. She came the other morning when I had laid back down after taking the kids to school. I made sure all my furbabies were in the living room and crawled into bed under one of the blankets that was on her bed. My head was hurting very baddly so I took some medicine ..as I was drifting off to sleep, I felt a series of strong pats on my right side. I rolled over to see if one of my doggies had gotten into my room but they had not. I thought I mustve imagined it BUT it happened again with me right there...wide awake...to me it was Gran telling me she was there and that it's ok. Thats what I did to her in the last days...on her right side...every time I left the room, I would come back and pat her bed or her and tell her that it was ok...that I was there now. She is gone in body but I feel like she is still here holding my hand and helping me go on with my life. I am trying to do just as she would want me to do but its just so hard sometimes. I find myself not knowing what to do...just staring at the walls but that is all fixing to change. I got a job! Im going back to work next week. I will be working in a call center which is totally opposite of anything I have ever done before. I am very excited. I will be able to dress up and feel good about myself instead of having to wear an uniform and just not caring. I think this is something Gran would want me to do. I still would like to work with Geratics but I just can't yet...maybe in time.

Seems like forever

It seems like forever now since Gran went to be with Paw and Jesus in Heaven. Life has really spun out of control here for me. I have been staying out of the house as much as possible. However, the next 2 days, I have to stay here. I have a ton of laundry to do and some other cleaning to catch up on. The floors need to be cleaned once more before I send my husband's aunt's carpet cleaner back home. I checked on a job today. I should know something tomorrow. If not, then I will go to the next place on my list. I really need a job ...Christmas is right around the corner and there are now bills that fall into our plates..Shawn's check just doesn't stretch that far. I also have to get Autumn into a different orthodonist..she is needing her wire fixed and some more wax. Im sure she needs to be tightened and have her teeth cleaned as well. I keep finding little things here and there that are reminders that Gran is gone. I found her strawberry milkshake in the freezer, her babyfood on the counter..some left over slaw in the back of the fridge and some bed linens in the laundry. That was the hardest thing of all to see...they had her smell..I just want to put them in a plastic back and preserve that. I do have her pillows in the closet..they have been there since she died. Im hunting a bag to put them and her blanket in.
I have started stitching again and hopefully in the next few days, I will be able to catch my stitching blog up. This one will probably not be updated as often then,,its just so hard to read it still...in time...I want to make a caregivers guide..something I can pass on to others. That will be a good way for me to help others who are experiencing what I did and still do. I have to sleep now..its almost 2 am here. I had gotten out of the habit of being up so late but Im falling back into it..I have days when all I want to do it sleep and then there are those that I cant sleep for the life of me.....It will still take time..maybe once I start working I can get into a routine.

What Are You Thankful For?

There was apost on the 123 message board and this was the subject..here is my reply.

I am thankful for the promise that God gave me when He said He would not give us more than we could bare. I am also thankful for His loving forgiveness and allowing His Son to be born and die for my sins.
I am also thankful for my family, a great support group when I am in need ( you friends!) and the fact that I can rest my mind knowing my Gran and Paw spent their anniversary in Heaven yesterday. I am also thankful for the fact that my husband worked 3 years by himself to support us so I could stay home and take care of Gran. I have many thankful memories that no one else will share and I cherish those. I could not have those , had he not been so selfless and understanding.
Happy Thanksgiving!

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I think I have figured out why yesterday/last night was so hard on me. It was Gran and Paw's anniversary. It was thier first in Heaven together. I bet they had a glorious celebration. I had the most horrific dream this morning. I will not discuss it. It did not involve Gran but my sister that was killed in 2000. Very odd dream. I think I will take the kids to get some pizza in a bit since it is a 1/2 day at school. Im waiting on Devin to come home now.
I have been making snow people! They are so much fun and so cute. I will have to post a picture as soon as I find that silly camera!

Barely Flying By

I cant believe it is already the 21st. I sit here and look at the calander and curse myself because I told everyone Gran wouldnt be here for Thanksgiving. Maybe I shouldnt have said that. I thought I could handle this so much better than I am. I thought I knew what was coming..how bad I would hurt inside..that I had prepared myself for her dying and being without her. Nope...negative. I didnt have a clue ..not a clue as to how much my heart would ache ..how much I would miss her "hollering" at me at the time just to want nothing at all...God , I shouldnt have gotten to aggrevated when it was the 15th time in the last hour that she wanted me to come be by her ..just to see me....crap....I cant do this........

Thursday Blah

I cant help but think about what was going on last Thursday. Gran was in the living room, rapid breathing, but still here...I just came back from lunch with Autumn at school.. It was Thanksgiving dinner and was good. I went by the graveyard ( its between here and the school) and made sure her flowers were all still there since we had a terrible storm last night. They were. I havent even turned the TV back on since I got back home and Ive been here about 30-45 minutes now. I think Ill make me some hot chocolate ( its cool here) and put my jammies on and call it a day. Tomorrow, I will start again ( I hope) Tomorrow will be really hard ...