I miss her

I miss her. I miss her hollering at me even though I did get aggrevated.
I miss her laughing at the dog .
I miss her aggrevating my daughter.
I miss her smell.
I miss her nightly "trips" home even at 2 am.
I never thought I would miss these things but I do.
I miss the way she used to watch the same tv shows over and over.
I miss sitting on the porch and listening to the birds.
I miss shopping EVERY Saturday at 3 different stores.
But most of all..I miss looking over to see her gazing at the angels at the end of her bed.
I know she is happy..I know she is well..but Im hurting and I miss her.

7-19-09

In honor of...

Those I've lost in the past years on this memorial day.
Dad
My Father in Law
My sister, Rita
My Grandparents on both sides
My step dad
many other loved ones family and friends.

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.
– Author unknown
God Bless

Sad day today

Today I had to give up and let Shawn and our friend ( Jason) take Punkin to the vet and be put to sleep. He had feline lukemia. He was soooooo sick and weak and pitiful. I just couldnt stand it no more. The vet told them he didnt even have a blood pressure.
He is now in ( Gran's) memory garden outside with Fathead , our rottie that died the day after Gran was buried. Im telling you, I cant take much more of this. Things have got to start looking up. HOPEFULLY, I will be going to work on Monday. I have got to find something to do..
Punkin is now lieing with Gran and she is loving on him.

Happy Birthday Gran!

first of all..We didnt have the heart to put Punkin ( kitty) to sleep today. I just couldnt so Gran will have to wait til a later date for him to come to Heaven. He does have feline lukemia. Shawn took him to his cousins house who lives close by and she is a vet assistant. She said we could spend 800 -1000 dollars trying to save him but it wont work. He is so little and pitiful. I think I will make Shawn take him..I just can't. Maybe Mom will go with him. We can put him in the memory garden ( One of Grans flower beds) with our rottie, Fathead, who passed the day after we buried Gran. I didnt go to the grave yard today. I was going to. I was going to take balloons out there for Grans bd but Mom said it was a mess due to the high winds we have had and all the Christmas deco from all the graves was everywhere. So I didnt go. I did see a beautiful pink sunset. I dont know if they have always been pink but seems I notice them ALOT more now that Gran has passed and they are always pink. They used to be more orange. hmm...............Job situation...I am ticked! I was supposed to start the training classes Monday..got the call today..the company hired in 25 ppl off the street so the temp I went thru only had 5 spots. I was in the top 8 so Im one of 3 alternates. IF someone DOESNT show up, then Im in...WHATEVER! I went thru that with the other company they put me at..well..I got a phone call today with another place..its called personal care choices. I will be sitting with people..handicapped or elderly so many hours a day..taking them to the Dr, cleaning their homes..running errands..ya know the drill. I have to work Saturdays which isnt bad now but will be when Autumn starts soccer since her games are on Saturdays...and one Sunday a month relieveing for a friend of mine that works there too plus Mon-Fri. They pay no overtime which is a bummer since I will be working at least 6 days a week. OR Shawn told me his cousin said she can get me on at a boat company for 10.00 an hour Mon-Fri..Im kinda torn..kinda...I really feel like I should work at the Caregivers job. I feel thats what I am supposed to do..Maybe that will help me heal too..Ill let you know..gosh this is long..sorry to ramble!

Christmas Eve

We always spent Christmas eve at Grans house eating dinner and opening gifts. Well, today I went to the grave yard and straightned up all the decorations and her trees. Her first born son is there as well as many other family members so I took care of his stone as well. It was odd..there telling Gran and Paw "Merry Christmas" and as the tears fell down my face, I looked up..the sky was PINK. Pink is Grans favorite color. I think she was telling me Merry Christmas back. I know I shouldnt be sad...I should be happy, glad she is not suffering, blah blah blah blah..( Ive heard it 100 times) but I cant help it..Im only human and dang it , it hurts ya know? I still miss her and no I wouldnt wish her back here for her to hurt but I would wish her back here so I could hold her hand one more time..hug her once more...kiss her once more..tell her I love her once more..and just cherish her for a few minutes. I knew it would be hard. Jan 2 will too. That was her birth day. Im off to make biscuits for Christmas breakfast tomorrow at MIL's house. Merry Christmas.

Well I did it....

I wasn't going to really..but Autumn begged sooooo I gave in and we .....

put up the Christmas tree. It was very hard since most of the ornaments are Gran's seeing how most of mine were lost in our move to Gran's house. The garland is pink...there are several pink bulbs. Her favorite color is pink. Autumn wanted to put an angel on top instead of the regular Santa that Gran has ..Gran collects Santa...so we found one in red. She's very pretty. I will try to post a picture tomorrow..I still have a few more ornaments to add.
Hugs,Jen/tn
Yes I know I speak of Gran in present tense...it's hard to speak of her in past tense. Today is 4 weeks...4 very long weeks for me since she went to Heaven.

Life is moving on here for me. Its been 3 weeks now and sometimes it already seems as though it has been much longer. Then , when I go to the grave yard and I still see the dead flowers that have not been cleaned off Gran's grave..I am reminded that it's only been a few weeks. I miss her like crazy and still catch myself doing things out of habit and crying where ever I am because something reminds me of her. I dont know if you believe in spirits or not but I sure do..both her and my Paw have visited me. He came right after she passed as a breath of "Old Spice" aftershave. That's what he wore all the time. It was soooooo overpowering but gone as quickly as it came. I think he was confirming that he had her. She came the other morning when I had laid back down after taking the kids to school. I made sure all my furbabies were in the living room and crawled into bed under one of the blankets that was on her bed. My head was hurting very baddly so I took some medicine ..as I was drifting off to sleep, I felt a series of strong pats on my right side. I rolled over to see if one of my doggies had gotten into my room but they had not. I thought I mustve imagined it BUT it happened again with me right there...wide awake...to me it was Gran telling me she was there and that it's ok. Thats what I did to her in the last days...on her right side...every time I left the room, I would come back and pat her bed or her and tell her that it was ok...that I was there now. She is gone in body but I feel like she is still here holding my hand and helping me go on with my life. I am trying to do just as she would want me to do but its just so hard sometimes. I find myself not knowing what to do...just staring at the walls but that is all fixing to change. I got a job! Im going back to work next week. I will be working in a call center which is totally opposite of anything I have ever done before. I am very excited. I will be able to dress up and feel good about myself instead of having to wear an uniform and just not caring. I think this is something Gran would want me to do. I still would like to work with Geratics but I just can't yet...maybe in time.