Seems like forever

It seems like forever now since Gran went to be with Paw and Jesus in Heaven. Life has really spun out of control here for me. I have been staying out of the house as much as possible. However, the next 2 days, I have to stay here. I have a ton of laundry to do and some other cleaning to catch up on. The floors need to be cleaned once more before I send my husband's aunt's carpet cleaner back home. I checked on a job today. I should know something tomorrow. If not, then I will go to the next place on my list. I really need a job ...Christmas is right around the corner and there are now bills that fall into our plates..Shawn's check just doesn't stretch that far. I also have to get Autumn into a different orthodonist..she is needing her wire fixed and some more wax. Im sure she needs to be tightened and have her teeth cleaned as well. I keep finding little things here and there that are reminders that Gran is gone. I found her strawberry milkshake in the freezer, her babyfood on the counter..some left over slaw in the back of the fridge and some bed linens in the laundry. That was the hardest thing of all to see...they had her smell..I just want to put them in a plastic back and preserve that. I do have her pillows in the closet..they have been there since she died. Im hunting a bag to put them and her blanket in.
I have started stitching again and hopefully in the next few days, I will be able to catch my stitching blog up. This one will probably not be updated as often then,,its just so hard to read it still...in time...I want to make a caregivers guide..something I can pass on to others. That will be a good way for me to help others who are experiencing what I did and still do. I have to sleep now..its almost 2 am here. I had gotten out of the habit of being up so late but Im falling back into it..I have days when all I want to do it sleep and then there are those that I cant sleep for the life of me.....It will still take time..maybe once I start working I can get into a routine.

What Are You Thankful For?

There was apost on the 123 message board and this was the subject..here is my reply.

I am thankful for the promise that God gave me when He said He would not give us more than we could bare. I am also thankful for His loving forgiveness and allowing His Son to be born and die for my sins.
I am also thankful for my family, a great support group when I am in need ( you friends!) and the fact that I can rest my mind knowing my Gran and Paw spent their anniversary in Heaven yesterday. I am also thankful for the fact that my husband worked 3 years by himself to support us so I could stay home and take care of Gran. I have many thankful memories that no one else will share and I cherish those. I could not have those , had he not been so selfless and understanding.
Happy Thanksgiving!

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I think I have figured out why yesterday/last night was so hard on me. It was Gran and Paw's anniversary. It was thier first in Heaven together. I bet they had a glorious celebration. I had the most horrific dream this morning. I will not discuss it. It did not involve Gran but my sister that was killed in 2000. Very odd dream. I think I will take the kids to get some pizza in a bit since it is a 1/2 day at school. Im waiting on Devin to come home now.
I have been making snow people! They are so much fun and so cute. I will have to post a picture as soon as I find that silly camera!

Barely Flying By

I cant believe it is already the 21st. I sit here and look at the calander and curse myself because I told everyone Gran wouldnt be here for Thanksgiving. Maybe I shouldnt have said that. I thought I could handle this so much better than I am. I thought I knew what was coming..how bad I would hurt inside..that I had prepared myself for her dying and being without her. Nope...negative. I didnt have a clue ..not a clue as to how much my heart would ache ..how much I would miss her "hollering" at me at the time just to want nothing at all...God , I shouldnt have gotten to aggrevated when it was the 15th time in the last hour that she wanted me to come be by her ..just to see me....crap....I cant do this........

Thursday Blah

I cant help but think about what was going on last Thursday. Gran was in the living room, rapid breathing, but still here...I just came back from lunch with Autumn at school.. It was Thanksgiving dinner and was good. I went by the graveyard ( its between here and the school) and made sure her flowers were all still there since we had a terrible storm last night. They were. I havent even turned the TV back on since I got back home and Ive been here about 30-45 minutes now. I think Ill make me some hot chocolate ( its cool here) and put my jammies on and call it a day. Tomorrow, I will start again ( I hope) Tomorrow will be really hard ...

The End is in sight

I sometimes think maybe I should not have written this blog. My Gran is now very active in the dying process. I always thought I would be right there til she took her dying breathe. But I cant. I can not stand to bare to embed that memory into my brain. Is that wrong of me? To have her looking into my eyes (even though I know her mind is gone) but its just the thought that maybe she is thinking..why arent you helping me? Everytime I give her another dose of medicine, I feel like Im killing her a little more even though I know its to help her. Bless her heart, she has had very labored breathing all day and all night now. Shes been like this in fact going on 48 hours. I can not rest, I can not sleep. I have even took myself out of the room and still cant sleep. I have prayed and begged God to let her go while I was sleeping but I cant go to sleep. I honestly don't feel like she is still here. Her body is still breathing but shes gone in spirit. She and Paw are looking at me and telling me I am foolish. She would not want me to do this and I have told myself that a 1000 times but that still yet makes it no easier. I guess its like when your babies are sick...you cant sleep for fear they might need you. Thats how I am now...thats the only way I know to explain it. I am so scared she might just might call for me and me not hear her.
Mom kicked me out of the chair by her bed( my stitching chair) Shes sleeping in it. Uncle Wayne is on the couch. I was on the love seat but kept looking at Gran so I rolled over..that didnt work either cause I tuned myself into her breathing. So I went to bed...that didnt last long either.
Now I am typing...I dont know what else to do. Im sick to my stomach bad. Nerves I guess.
Mom also told me to stop touching Gran and stop talking to her. WHAT? But once she explained what she meant..it made sense. She said Gran might be trying to hold on because of how bad I am hurting. I have told Gran to go be with Paw. and that I would be ok. But I know she senses my pain. I could see it in her face before. Lord this is so hard. I hope I never have to experience this again.
I will try to rest now..she would not want me to be like this.
Please pray....

Non responsive

Gran is non responsive. She has been since yesterday morning. She wont even make a face when the light is on. The only was to describe it is...shes in a coma.

Thank You!

I wish to say a huge THANK YOU to all my online friends from 123 that have sent me surpises, words or encouragement, and just remembered us in prayer. I am truely blessed and can never repay the kindness. Thank each and every one of you. May God bless you all.

Catch up post

I havent posted in a few days now. I really havent done much of anything. I recieved a book from a friend on the 123 message board so I have been reading it. Its called 90 Minutes in Heaven. ( THANK YOU VALERIE) It is a really good book.

Ive also been sttiching...Im working on a small design that I want to make a pillow for Gran's coffin..:(

Angie, hospice nurse, came yesterday and did the vitals for Gran. She said her heart was still really strong and her lungs were clear. She also said that her bowel sounds were weak and that her body had started shutting down. I asked her if she had to guess based on what she had seen with her experience how long she would think it may be...she told me around a few weeks and that would be stretching it. Of course, she doesnt know for sure..no one does. She told me she honestly expected the call any day from me telling her Gran had gone on. She asked me if there was an important date coming up that she could be waiting on..I had not thought of that but there is. Her and Paws wedding anniversary was in November. Nov the 20th to be exact. IF it so happens that she makes it to that date, if that is truely what she is holding on for, I will rejoice. She will be remarried to Paw in Heaven. How truely wonderful will that be? I mean it will be wonderful as it is for them to be reunited but on that specail date. It will be such a blessing for me here. I think it will be so much more easier for the to deal with.



Last night, She awoke..my brother was here. He was talking to her and I could tell by the look on her face that she was getting aggitated. Bless his heart, he was talking alot and she was trying to answer him but she couldnt. I went over and gave her a doze of morphin and then told her it was ok. She relaxed but I asked her if she wanted some water. She said yes. I gave her 2 sips and then she started acting like she was going to vomit. She did that for a minute or so. It scared me bad! I never could get her to spit anything out. I think it was all phlem again. She had some phelm coming out of her mouth that I had been wiping off. She finally got calmed down and Roger and Mom left so she could rest. I stayed up til about 130. I was worried. But she slept off and on..She was calm.



Today I have to do laundry...and dishes...life is still spinning around me. Autumn has basketball practice. Devin has weight lifting...I guess life has to go on.

Its ok

When she opens her eyes she appears to be looking at me but I think she is looking thru me..she is gazing at something or someone..perhaps it is Paw..Im not sure. I wonder what she would tell me she is seeing. I feel she wants to tell me something but I cant make it out. So I just tell her I love her and that its ok...It is so damn hard not to cry in front of her and tonight I did..a tear hit her cheek and she blinked quickly..as to tell me...its ok....

Just Breath

Its 1 am. For the last hour I have sat and watched Gran breathe. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Her breathes go from fast and shallow to slow and deep. She got a suppository today from Hospice...no bowel movements. Its been over a week now. She also recatherised her. Barely a trace of urine. (just in the tube..not bag) Her eyes are matting together from a cold..allergies..Ive been cleaning them out with a warm wash cloth. I woke her up about 10 or so minutes ago..I thought for sure she was going..and Im just not ready yet...I know thats selfish but just not yet. The closer it gets the harder it is. I know shes not gonna get better. I hate seeing her like this but Ill be so lost without her. She whispers now..this morning she was awake and I said.."good morning Granma" she whispered back.."Granma". Then I left and Uncle Wayne came( I WOULD NOT have if I didnt have too but Autumn had soccer tournments today) When I got back..I said hi Granma..she said "hey" I have to really watch her mouth to see what she is saying because it is like reading lips. She did manage to drink 2 sips of water tonight. She kept trying to swallow like maybe her throat was hurting ( mine sure is) I thought then again maybe it was because her throat was so dry. I bought her some baby food but I know she wont eat it. I honestly dont expect her to make it til next weekend. It will truly be a miracle if she does. God does still work miracles though.
On another note..Autumn's soccer team tied in 1 game and won 7-0 in another. Her coach got the first time mixed up and thought we played at 930 pm instead of 930 am so we forfited the first game. Therefore, her team came in second. Not bad at all though. I also called up a friend and secured a job as a caregiver. I know..dont rush but I can not sit her in this house by myself while the kids are at school and Shawns at work..Ill go insane.
off to attept to sleep..or watch Gran sleep.

Depressed

This morning Gran spit up a lot of mucus. Then she couldnt swallow. The hospice nurse said that was normal and started her on morphine for pain. :( She wouldnt eat or drink harldy. We ( Mom and I ) did get her to drink a few sips of coke. Just a very few..I gave them to her thru a straw like you would a baby. Bless her heart. This is killing me....




1256 am...

I am so depressed. It is so hard not to cry in front of Gran. Mom wants everyone to get together (her kids) and tell her that its ok for her to go be with Paw. . My uncle brought her a strawberry cream slush tonight. She would not take one bite. He kinda got it on her lips and she spit it at him...he cried. Im now thinking..what am I gonna do when she passes? ill have to go back to work..but what do I want to do? Im thinking of finishing school..(maybe) and being a hospice nurse..or maybe being a caregiver thru an agency. I will be so lost. This is all I have done now for almost 3 years. Hopefully, DH will get the other job he is trying for and I can just work part time somewhere if I want to. Im sure I wont want to for a bit..Im not even sure I want to live here honestly. This is so hard and really taking its tole on me tonight or maybe my hormones are messed up..either way...it su**s!

Halloween Night

Was pretty peaceful..I stayed home with Gran..( I havent been home on Halloween in YEARS)
Shawn took Autumn to his Aunt's party and Devin went to a party at a friends. Gran and I had 3 trick or treaters. LOL. My Uncle Wayne brought his grand kids by. I just happened to have some bubbles and suckers left over from the Halloween party we had last weekend so thats what I gave them. Gran drank 1 drink of water yesterday...Just 1 . That is all.....Wayne couldnt even get her to drink..or eat..Maybe today...I hope and pray..

Im off for a nap...I tried to stay up and watch the Ghost Hunters live taping last night but I didnt make it very long. I thought it was interesting how the ball moved in the hallway ..they said the little boys name was Timmy. hmmm...other than that...I didnt see much ...maybe someone else did.