I sometimes think maybe I should not have written this blog. My Gran is now very active in the dying process. I always thought I would be right there til she took her dying breathe. But I cant. I can not stand to bare to embed that memory into my brain. Is that wrong of me? To have her looking into my eyes (even though I know her mind is gone) but its just the thought that maybe she is thinking..why arent you helping me? Everytime I give her another dose of medicine, I feel like Im killing her a little more even though I know its to help her. Bless her heart, she has had very labored breathing all day and all night now. Shes been like this in fact going on 48 hours. I can not rest, I can not sleep. I have even took myself out of the room and still cant sleep. I have prayed and begged God to let her go while I was sleeping but I cant go to sleep. I honestly don't feel like she is still here. Her body is still breathing but shes gone in spirit. She and Paw are looking at me and telling me I am foolish. She would not want me to do this and I have told myself that a 1000 times but that still yet makes it no easier. I guess its like when your babies are sick...you cant sleep for fear they might need you. Thats how I am now...thats the only way I know to explain it. I am so scared she might just might call for me and me not hear her.
Mom kicked me out of the chair by her bed( my stitching chair) Shes sleeping in it. Uncle Wayne is on the couch. I was on the love seat but kept looking at Gran so I rolled over..that didnt work either cause I tuned myself into her breathing. So I went to bed...that didnt last long either.
Now I am typing...I dont know what else to do. Im sick to my stomach bad. Nerves I guess.
Mom also told me to stop touching Gran and stop talking to her. WHAT? But once she explained what she meant..it made sense. She said Gran might be trying to hold on because of how bad I am hurting. I have told Gran to go be with Paw. and that I would be ok. But I know she senses my pain. I could see it in her face before. Lord this is so hard. I hope I never have to experience this again.
I will try to rest now..she would not want me to be like this.
Please pray....
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What you're going through is difficult beyond words. You mustn't feel your grandmother expects or WANTS you to do more than you have. She's ready to move to a gentler place where the chores of eating, breathing, and bodily discomforts no longer plague her.
Truly, God won't give you more than you can bear. But he will give you the strength to get through these very hard and lonely days, and the strength to show your children the happy memories of everything your grandmother has meant to you.
Know how many people you have touched -- they hold you close in your sorrow. Lily
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