Just Breath

Its 1 am. For the last hour I have sat and watched Gran breathe. This has got to be the hardest thing I have ever done. Her breathes go from fast and shallow to slow and deep. She got a suppository today from Hospice...no bowel movements. Its been over a week now. She also recatherised her. Barely a trace of urine. (just in the tube..not bag) Her eyes are matting together from a cold..allergies..Ive been cleaning them out with a warm wash cloth. I woke her up about 10 or so minutes ago..I thought for sure she was going..and Im just not ready yet...I know thats selfish but just not yet. The closer it gets the harder it is. I know shes not gonna get better. I hate seeing her like this but Ill be so lost without her. She whispers now..this morning she was awake and I said.."good morning Granma" she whispered back.."Granma". Then I left and Uncle Wayne came( I WOULD NOT have if I didnt have too but Autumn had soccer tournments today) When I got back..I said hi Granma..she said "hey" I have to really watch her mouth to see what she is saying because it is like reading lips. She did manage to drink 2 sips of water tonight. She kept trying to swallow like maybe her throat was hurting ( mine sure is) I thought then again maybe it was because her throat was so dry. I bought her some baby food but I know she wont eat it. I honestly dont expect her to make it til next weekend. It will truly be a miracle if she does. God does still work miracles though.
On another note..Autumn's soccer team tied in 1 game and won 7-0 in another. Her coach got the first time mixed up and thought we played at 930 pm instead of 930 am so we forfited the first game. Therefore, her team came in second. Not bad at all though. I also called up a friend and secured a job as a caregiver. I know..dont rush but I can not sit her in this house by myself while the kids are at school and Shawns at work..Ill go insane.
off to attept to sleep..or watch Gran sleep.