Depressed

This morning Gran spit up a lot of mucus. Then she couldnt swallow. The hospice nurse said that was normal and started her on morphine for pain. :( She wouldnt eat or drink harldy. We ( Mom and I ) did get her to drink a few sips of coke. Just a very few..I gave them to her thru a straw like you would a baby. Bless her heart. This is killing me....




1256 am...

I am so depressed. It is so hard not to cry in front of Gran. Mom wants everyone to get together (her kids) and tell her that its ok for her to go be with Paw. . My uncle brought her a strawberry cream slush tonight. She would not take one bite. He kinda got it on her lips and she spit it at him...he cried. Im now thinking..what am I gonna do when she passes? ill have to go back to work..but what do I want to do? Im thinking of finishing school..(maybe) and being a hospice nurse..or maybe being a caregiver thru an agency. I will be so lost. This is all I have done now for almost 3 years. Hopefully, DH will get the other job he is trying for and I can just work part time somewhere if I want to. Im sure I wont want to for a bit..Im not even sure I want to live here honestly. This is so hard and really taking its tole on me tonight or maybe my hormones are messed up..either way...it su**s!