Thinking of time

I cant help but think of the time I am wasting...
Watching a loved one die I think does this to me.
When she is awake she stares off into space. I often ponder on what she is thinking?
The times she is coherent, I sit by her and talk to her. I often feel guilty during these
times too. I think that someday I might regret not letting the dishes go and sitting a little more..or maybe trying to decipher her words a little more than I have. Maybe I shouldnt even be on this computer..I should be sitting right there beside her right now. I cant keep going like this...I am driving myself crazy. If I go out, I feel bad for leaving her. What if she dies and Im not here? I wasnt there when Dad died...everyone else was...but me...and I regretted it soooo bad. I swore I would not allow myself to have regrets with Gran but I already do. I am only one person though, right? I do have kids and a husband that I must attempt to take care of..
What am I to do? Everyone says Im doing all I can now but I feel like Im not...like Im failing...Im just overwhelmed. People just dont understand unless they have experienced this first hand. It is very hard . Sometimes I feel like Im having a pity party...poor me...Im stuck here everyday ...I hardly ever go out..Shawn leaves on the weekends with his friend. Hes already made plans for next weekend to go 4 wheeling. I get to go to watch Autumn play soccer this weekend. Which is fine..dont get me wrong but I just would love to go to the mountains...disconnect for awhile in an open field...take a nap...watch the clouds roll by..and just simply breathe........