BRRRRRR! Cold morning

Good morning! Its 830 am. I went to bed a little early for me...1 am..I went in sweats and then ended up taking the pants off. I just couldnt get comfortable and no matter how tired I was, I couldnt go to sleep. :( I think I dozed off around 3 and then the clock went off at 530! Shawn got up on his own this morning. I just couldnt wake up. I got Autumn up late and she ended up being 3 minutes late for school. Its just her 2nd time being tardy this year. Thats not bad. Im waiting on Devins Dr. office to open so I can get him in to see the Dr. Hes got a sinus infection and coughing til he vomits. (He gets that from his Dad)
Gran slept last night. When I went to bed, I told her goodnight and that I loved her. She answered me. I kissed her on the forehead. I was rubbing her head and she kept saying..go around. So I now have figured out what that meant last week when she said it. She wanted me to rub her whole face. LOL. I like the way it feels to be caressed too.
Im off to take a nap I think...Mom will be here soon and we are cleaning the carpet in Autumns room..thats the only one I lack. The house smells soooooo good. Least for now! LOL

Apple Sauce

I managed to get Gran to eat some peach apple sauce. About 5 bites.
She was talking to her sister Lillian earlier. Lillian has been gone around 5-6 months now. Doesnt seem like its been that long. She told me Lillian wants her to go with her. I told her she could. She then blinked and jumped back like something scared her. Lillian was gone and Paw was here. I would NEVER beleive that happened had I not witnessed it myself. The look on her face scared me..she said it was Paw(Ralph) and he was alone. She then dozed off. Paw mustve made a grand entrance or Lillian mustve not wanted to leave. She talked to her other sister Ina on the phone..poor Ina cried because of how Gran sounded. Ina asked Gran if she wanted her to come see her and she said..."I think youd better". I dont know if she was telling her if she didnt, she wouldnt get to or what.Gran made it very clear for me to tell Ina that she "loved her too" because she didnt think Ina heard her. She talks so low its hard now to understand. Im going to try to get her some medicine. Her knuckles are swollen. The inside of her lips and mouth are chapped but I cant get her to drink much. I have swabs that I use to moisten her mouth when she lets me. Bless her heart....
Im stitching some at night now...Im workin on some Christmas presents, ornaments, exchanges, and RRs. Just what ever I really feel like picking up. I think though that Im gonna get to working on that rose...Im going to make it into a pillow to put with Gran. I hope I can get it done.

Thinking of time

I cant help but think of the time I am wasting...
Watching a loved one die I think does this to me.
When she is awake she stares off into space. I often ponder on what she is thinking?
The times she is coherent, I sit by her and talk to her. I often feel guilty during these
times too. I think that someday I might regret not letting the dishes go and sitting a little more..or maybe trying to decipher her words a little more than I have. Maybe I shouldnt even be on this computer..I should be sitting right there beside her right now. I cant keep going like this...I am driving myself crazy. If I go out, I feel bad for leaving her. What if she dies and Im not here? I wasnt there when Dad died...everyone else was...but me...and I regretted it soooo bad. I swore I would not allow myself to have regrets with Gran but I already do. I am only one person though, right? I do have kids and a husband that I must attempt to take care of..
What am I to do? Everyone says Im doing all I can now but I feel like Im not...like Im failing...Im just overwhelmed. People just dont understand unless they have experienced this first hand. It is very hard . Sometimes I feel like Im having a pity party...poor me...Im stuck here everyday ...I hardly ever go out..Shawn leaves on the weekends with his friend. Hes already made plans for next weekend to go 4 wheeling. I get to go to watch Autumn play soccer this weekend. Which is fine..dont get me wrong but I just would love to go to the mountains...disconnect for awhile in an open field...take a nap...watch the clouds roll by..and just simply breathe........

Biscuits/Gravy or Gravy/Biscuits?

Which would you prefer?
Gran ate 2 bites of biscuit and gravy for supper.I decided to fix something quick and Devin wanted a bacon sandwich so I made some gravy and "poppin" ( canned) biscuits.I asked Gran if she wanted some biscuits and gravy and she said no..she wanted some gravy and biscuits! LOLShe ate 2 bites. Still no medicine today:( maybe in a bit.Angie said she is still shallow breathing but its all the time now. Nothing more I can do...

I went to Devin's last football game of this season. They won 20-0. He made some awesome plays. I was glad I got to go. Mom stayed with Gran.
Im off to bed...Im honestly tired...I think Im anemic. UGGGGG

Peach Cobbler at 2 am

Before I got ready for bed at 2, I checked on Gran as I always do. I always lay my hand on her forehead and rub her arms to make sure she is warm. Sometimes she will awaken..she did at 2. I asked her if she was hungry and she said yes so I gave her some Gerber peach cobbler for babies. She liked it. We just call it pudding...no need for her to know its really baby food. She wouldn't like the idea of knowing that she has gone back to the infancy stage. I have always heard that eventually one does resort back to that stage but I guess I just didn't realise how true that would be in Gran's life. She has always been a short little lady...5 foot and she is now trying to curl up into the fetal position the best she can. I straighten her a hundred times a day and she will go right back into the crooked uncomfortable looking position no matter whether she is on her side or her back. I guess she's just most comfortable that way. And that is all that matters...her comfort.

Autumn didnt want to go to bed last night...she kept lingering around her Dad and I. I was trying to get him a ring tone for his phone that he could hear. ( He's deaf in one ear as is Autumn) Autumn thought she was going to get a new one for her phone too but she didn't. She was mad. I told her that tonight she has to be in bed by 9 and if she gives me problems, she will go at 830 tomorrow night and etc til she gets enough sleep and can get up and get ready on time. I had to do that to Devin once. If I could just get Devin to get his self up, he would be doing great. He does go to bed at a decent hour but Im worried that once football is over, he wont. (He has A.D.D. and always has had trouble sleeping)
I think I need to have Autumn tested although her grades are good. She made A,B honor roll. But she goes all the time and she talks a hundred miles a minute! LOL...Shawn tells her she has diarrhea of the mouth! Sometimes she does and we have to remind her that her mouth is running off again. I know...not nice but it seems to be the only way we can get her to be quite. LOL..She even talks and argues in her sleep! (Walks as well) Speaking of sleep....Im going to get some...I have pics to post later on today. Ill post them to my photobucket and 123. I really need to update my stitching blog...maybe I will...

Visitors

Tonight I was sitting in the floor working on some long overdue cubes and such and Gran woke up. She started reaching to the other side of the room and calling out for her Momma...then she called out for "Ralph" Ralph was my Paw. She reached out for them. I know she didnt think they were on TV because the TV is on the other side of the room. She was reaching towards her left. She was awake earlier and was talking about maybe eating if I made her something...of course I offered but she wouldnt eat. Nor has she had any medicine tonight. :(
No food in 2 days now...no medicine except this morning. Shes sleeping again......

Friday morning

822 am..
I got up at 530 to get Shawn off to work. Laid back down...forgot to put Devins clothes in the dryer...so he had to wear wet pants this morning. When I got back up (after Mom called) it was 710! YIKES! Autumn had to be at school at 745. She was about 5 minutes late. We were all wore out from yesterday...For some reason, my alarm clock for the kids didnt go off..ugggg.

MIL and I are fixing to get busy and finish the rest of our spring /fall cleaning. It will be a long day but so worth it in the long run. Now if I can just get everyone to pitch in and help me keep it that way...

Gran slept pretty good last night. She is still sleeping and seems to be ok for now.

Dare I sleep?

Uncle Wayne came by. He brought Gran a milkshake...she ate 8 bites! I was sooooo proud.
Shawn's Aunt Janice and his Mom cleaned the lr carpet tonight. It looks new! I cleaned the fridge and kitchen. I would be so embarrassed if someone opened the fridge and it was messy!
Gran ran a low fever..100. I gave her some children's tyenol. The fever has gone for now. I did manage to get her meds in her when Wayne was here. :) She asked for more food tonight so we gave her jello. She ate 1/2 the container but did get choked on it. :(
Shes sleeping now. MIL is staying so I can go sleep.. I will try.

A loooooong day

Last few days have been kinda rough. I could hardly get Gran to take her meds last night. She finally did. She kept talking about some man (Marvin)here to get her and the church lady the night before. She doesnt want to go with the man but isnt sure about the woman. She was scared of Mom on Tuesday evening. She thought she was going to hurt us.

She was in and out of sleep last night so I went to bed about 2. I kept waking up. Couldnt sleep...
At 530 , I got up and she was breathing really fast. I immediately touched her as I was afraid she was running the high fever. She was cold. It was hot in here. Her fingers are starting to turn blueish and she is gray around the mouth and under her eyes. I called Angie (her nurse) and Mom called at 7 to see if the kids were up for school. I told Mom what was going on and she came on home. Angie came and Gran had started breathing a little better. She was taking shallow breathes and not actually exchanging air but when she got deep breathes her lungs were clear. I went and got her meds for the UTI she has. She would NOT take it. Its liquid and smells like vanilla ice cream but she wouldnt have it at all! She also wouldnt take her pain meds that Im supposed to give her before her bath.

Mom and I sponged her off around 330. We gave up on the full bath. Poor Gran just laid there and looked at us and wouldnt answer me at all. Eventually, she did nod her head. She drank some coke...fountain coke from Sonic finally for me.

Shawns Aunt came by as well did his Mom and Memaw. Gran woke up briefly and talked to me a bit. We sat her up in the bed and she drank some more coke. Best shes been all day.

Still yet....I dont have a good feeling...
She did tell me earlier of angels and she "reckoned" they wanted her to go with them. I told her it was fine if she wanted to go.

I am physically, emotionally, mentally exhausted. I am sooooo tired. I feel like I could sleep a year.

No Food but Yes to UTI

Gran does have the UTI starting. The Dr's nurse called today to tell me she was calling in medicine for "whatever" infection Gran had and asked me to tell her the symptoms. WHAT?! The Hospice nurse took a urine sample on Friday. I mean shouldnt the Dr call to tell me the results of the test?? The Dr's nurse told me that the infection wasnt responding to antibiotics so she's calling in something stronger. I was SHOCKED! They were assuming this was the same UTI as 3 months ago. Unreal...anyways...they called in some meds so hopefully that will help Gran to keep from getting so bad. She would NOT eat anything tonight and she is completely in a fetal position...I can not move her..she cries. That scares me too. I just sit by her bed and stitch and try to keep her comfy. I will rub her hand or her head from time to time. I am back to not going to bed unless I feel she is going to be ok. Time is of the essence. She doesnt have much left I am sure.
Im off to stitch....(DH let us order Chinese tonight) YUM! So I have little kitchen clean up!

Friends?

Have you ever had friends that you thought were your friend but you're really not sure?
I have some that I call convience friends. They are only my friend when it is convient for them. I also have family like that as well. I hate feeling used. Who doesnt right? What ever happened to the "childhood" friend I grew up with? She and I were close enough to be simese twins..
I sure miss her..I wonder if I looked her up if we could get that back?
I see my daughter with her friends. I wish she would get that 1 true friend that she can grow up with..go thru highschool with ...be in each others weddings and there for each other when they have children. I wish she could have the friend I long for.

Devin has one childhood friend. They call each other brother. They introduce each other as brothers. Devin's funny...his best friend at school is introduced as his cousin but his life long best friend is his brother...I guess thats his way of showing them where they are on his list of importance. I dont know...teen boys are too funny...

I got scared!

Yesterday Gran woke up and started hollering immediately. She just kept hollering "hey" even when we went over to her and held her hand. She was talking well and told me that the church lady wanted her to go some where but she wasnt sure if she wanted to go or not. She also told me the church lady was in the box outside. She was panicked and breathing heavily. She kept saying to "come around" I asked her who she wanted to come around and she didnt answer. I asked if she wanted everyone to come around and she said "NO!" I rubbed her face. She quited eventually. Mom came by and Gran wouldnt speak to her. She told me she was afraid she was going to hurt us. Mom reassured her that she would never hurt her. Gran didnt want Autumn to leave her yesterday but Autumn had a basketball game. ( her first! and they won!)
It took Gran along time to go to sleep and still at 3 am she wasnt really resting well. She was talking alot and fidgeting with her covers and hands. I know all this is to be expected but she was so "out of the norm" yesterday. I hope today is better. The Hospice nurse, Angie, got some urine from her cath last week. Maybe the Dr's office will have the results today. They are testing her for a UTI ..my request. I just dont want the infection and fever to sneak in on me like the last time. I will not let her go into septic shock again and I will not let her die from something that can be treated with a simple medication. Angie and I have already talked about that. Gran is a DNR patient. (Her choice by living will) However, I dont feel there is a need for her to die from something that can be easily treated with some infection medication.
We had Devins 15th birthday/halloween party over the weekend. I spent most of my time this year in the house with Gran. I did put my usual vampire custom on but I think it bothered her so I took it off. Bless her heart. I never thought that a little makeup would scare her or I wouldve never put it on. It was just barely white with black lipstick. Maybe it was the lips. LOL
I will post pics when I get the chance to.
I have been stitching some again. I have several Halloween finishes and am now working on a RR that I have along with Christmas ornaments. I really have to get to stitching on my Christmas gifts. I think next year, Ill start alot earlier. I would love to stitch something BIG for just myself at my own pace and not feel so rushed. Stitching is supposed to be fun not stressful with the threat of a dead line in front of you. Its supposed to be my relaxation but lately, I can honestly say it has not been..

Decorating and Babies

Lately, Gran has been talking more. I still cant understand what she is saying. Her eating habits are still the same..I did get her to eat about 1/2 a serving of cole slaw from Chik Filet. She loves that slaw. I told her she could eat the rest tonight since she was getting frustrated.
Autumn is back at school today. She is feeling LOTS better. Thank you everyone who prayed for her.
My brother and SIL had their 3rd baby on Monday morning at 202 am. It was just them and me! I got to cut the cord. I cried more than SIL did. I had never witnessed an actual natural birth but she did awesome. Brooklyn came so fast her little face got briused. SIL had no meds. Both my babies were C sections and I felt so cheated not being able to see them born so SIL let me go this time. God is truly a miracle worker.
DS turns 15 Thursday...we are partying this weekend..Im in the process of turning my house/garage into something from the dark side. LOL We always have a halloween bash/birthday bash together. DH will be 37 at the end of the month.
I am off to get laundry done and finish decorating outside.

Tonight........

Gran ate .....

3 bites of a hamburger patty and 3 fries with ketchup...plus
1/2 of a blueberry muffin and 1/2 a glass of coke. YEA!
That was a HUGE meal for her. I am soooooo proud.
She is talking alot today too. Kinda scares me though...

Off to bed..both kids are gone for the night. Shawn is already asleep...
I think I will go to if Gran goes soon...

Update on the sickly

Here's the news...
Autumn is getting more better by the day. She went out today with a light jacket and played. She also went to the skating rink for Christian skate night. She had a friend whom she had not seen in a while go with her so it was good for them both.

Gran on the other hand...

The Hospice nurse said today she didn't know how much longer Gran could go the way she is going now. She BARELY ate anything again tonight and only ate 3 mini cookies last night. Tonight was even less, a bite of corn and 1/2 a bite of baby apple sauce.
1/2 cup of water. That is it for this whole day. To me she is starting to look grey in the face and on her feet. I can't help but wonder if this is the blue /purple that everyone talks of. I took myself a picture tonight...Its of her hand holding mine. Im gonna have itblown up and framed. Dont ask...just something I wanted to have. Theres nothing more I can do...I know that but still I feel quilty if Im not right there by her side. If I leave the house to go do something I am scared to death she will die while I am gone. I pray that I will have a sign to show me that her time is near so I can be with her. That is my prayer....

ER Once again...

Just got home from the Childrens Hospital in Knoxville...( they are soooooooooo nice)
Autumns pneumonia isnt getting any better. In fact, it is getting worse. Come to find out, she has a different kind and is contagious! That is great with Gran. I quarantined her to her room. She is on a different medicine. I hope this one works.
Gran ate some baby food..meat sticks actually. She also has been eating a cream slush from Sonic. Its like a milk shake. Uncle Wayne brings them to her. She will eat for him.

I hope to get some sleep tonight.

Good Night/Morning

It is 530 am here in E. Tennessee. Today starts fall break for the kids except Devin still has to go to school for football practice. They have an away game tonight so I will not get to go :(
I have only seen 1 of his games so far. The season will be over soon. I really hope to get to see more. Gran got a bath last night and her bed changed. Shawn helped me to do that before he went to bed. Uncle Wayne came by and got her to eat a whole cream slush from Sonic. He was amazed and so was I. I guess Ill have to start getting her those from time to time. I did get her some finger foods although they are for toddlers but maybe she will eat them. I got her some meat sticks and some chicken sticks. She can hold them herself and eat them. Devin said they were just a different form of Vienna Sausages. I guess he's right. At least it is some form of protien which she badly needs. I also got her some peach cobbler and dutch apple desert. Hey, anything is better than nothing..

Autumn is STILL sick but not as bad as before. Her fever will break completley and stay away a little while without any more medicine. I just hate giving her meds every 2 hours.
I havent been feeling the greatest myself the past few days and have been having some really bad headaches. I thought they were sinus at first but Im thinking more along the lines of migrains now since I have to end up taking migrain meds for them before I get any relief. I try to keep from taking it because it makes me so tired. I think the headaches are stress/lack of sleep related.

I have been stitching some..I have almost completed my new ornament I have started. I still need to back stitch the Santa ..He is sooooooo cute. My goal is to finish all the ornaments I have to stitch this week. Long shot, I know. I would at least like to get 2 completely done. I think I can manage that. I still have a few Halloween things to finish for exchanges as well. One is an ornament...the others are a towel and tuck pillow or cube. I think Im going to make that partner a cube. Ive just got to get stitching! I have some HUGE Christmas projects to work on as well.
Sigh....hopefully, I can get them done.
Im going to bed as soon as Shawn gets off to work. Autumn is going to lay with me for a while.
Good morning to all...or Good night! :)

Waving hello to all my 123 friends!

Another Loooong night

Its for sure to be another loooooong night. My daughter is STILL running the fever and it's been how long now? I would have thought the antibiotic would have started working by now but to me she is only getting worse. I called the hospital and they seem to be non concerned. Her fever was just up to 103.8. I gave her more medicine. She has done nothing but take medicine the past few days. Im sure she is bound to be tired of being sick..I know I am. I am wore out!

Gran ate 1 bite of my hamburger tonight and 1/2 of a brownie from a pan I had baked earlier. She is sleeping again. Seems that is about all she does lately. I am tired. I cant go to bed with Autumns fever being high like this. I guess Im in for another loooooooong night..

Saturday...man Im tired!

I can not believe it is almost 4 pm. I have been up maybe 20 minutes. I didnt get to go to bed until 800 am. I HATE having to set my clock and get up on Saturday mornings but Shawn had to get up at 730. Im just thankful that the kids are on fall break next week although Devin has to be at football practice at 8 every morning! That is some crap! What can they learn over fall break that they didn't learn over summer break. Anyways...

Gran hasnt been eating again although I did get her to eat a snack cake yesterday. Shes sleeping now. She is about the same as always.

Autumn , my 10 year old daughter, is a different story. She is sick still. She has ran a fever over a week now and has pneumonia. She coughs her little head off. She is coughing so much now she is hurting at night. The Dr from Childrens Hospital put her on the strongest antibiotic she could. I hope it starts to kick in soon. Its very sad seeing her like this..She is normally the one full of energy. She hasnt even been to soccer this week.

Our little kitten just decided to jump into the tub. Autumn left the water from her bath in there! LOL. The furry kitty , Pumpkin, looks like a drowned rat. Poor baby..

Virus?

I was up most of the night last night ( Tuesday 10/2) with my daughter. Her temp got up to 103.6 I took her to the DR yesterday but she said she had nothing wrong..hmmm.
I gave her an adult Motrin..(just 1) and this morning her fever was 97.5! She went to school even though the dr said she could stay home til Friday. Gran didnt eat but 1 bite of a chicken stick last night. I dont know what else to do..she just wont eat. What more can I say? What can I do? Im going to the store today and getting her some baby food. MAYBE she will eat some of it.
I have to clean my room. YUCK..LOL

I have been lurking some at the other place I visit. Im still kinda disinheartened by some people. I have to realise they are just people on this net like me. I cant please all the people all of the time. Right? If so...the bill collectors would stop calling me! :)

Im off to start laundry and finish my Santa!

Last Night

Gran ate 1/2 a cup of single serving jello. That's it. Tonight so far...nothing. She is now hollering for us to get her out of here! I know it sounds awful but it drives me crazy sometimes. Why is it that when I feel bad or am really tired I have to have nights like these? I think she has a radar..I used to say that about my kids too. I know she cant help it. I just have to remind myself of that.

My daughter has a virus..her strep test came back negative so that's that. The Dr still gave her 3 days out of school but NO MEDICINE. I thought that was wierd. She said she has blisters on her throat and DD has been running a fever over 100 for over 24 hours but she still gave her no meds. I donno...Ill give her some tylenol AGAIN and see what happens.

My computer is acting up. SOMEONE deleted ALL my favorites...all my friends homepages, links, freebies to charts to stitch..over 200..talk about upset..Ill never get them all back. Thank goodness I know how to search. I also lost quite a few emails..

Now I just got informed that we think my brothers dog got shot..I help take care of her. Theres something all the time going on here. And people wonder why I FORGET things or why other things take priority.

I have been stitching some. Ill have to post some pics here and then link them to my stitchers blog. I dont think I will be posting them at the usual place that I used too. In fact, I dont think Ill be frequenting that place as much as I used to. Lets just say...things happened and sometimes I think people have way too much time on their hands and worry about things much too small.
We are all entitled to our opinions right? Besides, I know who my TRUE FRIENDS are and who I can TRUELY count on.
Nuff said...( can you tell I am NOT in the best of moods?)

She Ate!

Tonight I am proud to say that Granma ate! She ate almost a whole bbq sandwich and 3 potato bites. (oven baked cut up potatoes) I was so proud. Shawn helped me change her clothes and the bed before he went to bed. I don't know what Id do without him and Mom sometimes. It is hard to change her by myself but I have done it before and can do it if I have to. I have been catching up on the never ending mountain of laundry. I think I have it knocked down to a mole hill now.
Now if I can just get whats folded put away before I have to wash more..I can dream can't I?

Shawn and I went to the flea market today. No I didnt buy any fleas. ( haha) I did buy some movies and saw 3 actual stitched pieces! There was one I so loved but I just couldnt bring myself to give 10.00 for it. I know the actual stitching itself was well worth it but I just couldnt get it. I bought milk with that 10.00 instead...sigh...the sacrifices I make for my kids. LOL...Seriously...I might have given 7.00 for it..but not 10.00. It wasnt well taken care of. ( I am trying to justify to myself why I just didnt give the man 10.00 for it! ) If he has it next weekend..I will give him 10.00. Ok,,now I feel better about that.

I am tired...very tired...I didnt sleep much last night. It seems the earlier I go to bed the worse I sleep. I wake up ALOT when I do get to go to bed early. So tonight Im making myself stay up later. I have to take Devin to school in the morning and every morning this week in fact..He got into trouble at school for not turning his home work in so his Science teacher who is also one of his football coaches is letting him come in early to make them up before the final grade for this grading period comes out. Otherwise...he will fail..and then he can not play ball. I guess thats a lesson he has to learn.

I think Gran is going to sleep now..she was fighting it earlier. I guess thats what I get for her eating...she did tell me her tummy was hurting...maybe she honeslty ate too much. I guess so since she hasnt been eating anything.
Hopefully tomorrow I can get some jello down her. We'll see.